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| Consider how the wild flowers grow, They do not labor nor spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these |
Today I was talking to my husband and asking him if he ever got
his hopes up that this month will be the one, and then gets lets down when it
isn’t. He said it’s happened, but for him it was a matter of not letting it
control him. That's where he doesn't understand how it is for me, for two
reasons. 1: he is a man, and he really can't understand a woman's urge to
mother, and 2: he already has a son, so he will never be childless. I don’t blame
him for this, and I don’t think he doesn’t want a baby bad enough or anything
like that, but as with most other issues there are gaps from men and women
differences.
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His theory is basically that our lives are pretty awesome (even
though we're broke and we suck and keeping our house clean) because we love
each other to death and have a seriously happy marriage. I agree, and I have
said that in this blog more than once. Not having a baby doesn't mean our lives
suck, a baby may enhance our life but not having one isn't making our lives
bad. His analogy is that having a baby would be the icing on the cake, or the
ice cream on top of the pie. It's a nice addition but isn't required. I tried
to explain to him that that's where we are different. I would never eat a piece
of cake without icing. I am super picky and I only eat food that I really like.
If it is subpar to my taste buds I don't want it. I am an all or nothing kind
of person. I would rather eat no food than bad tasting food: If I burn my
grilled cheese sandwich beyond scraping the burnt off, I'm going to throw it
away and make another, and if that was the last of the bread or the last of the
cheese I just won't have grilled cheese. Again, this doesn’t mean that I think
that I will never be happy unless/until I have a baby. It’s like this: if
someone asks me what I want for my birthday, I really don’t know, because I don’t
let myself want things, so that I won’t be disappointed that I don’t have them.
I just hate wondering. I hate hoping that this is the month and being let down.
I wish I never even wanted a baby, so that I wouldn’t have this hole in my
heart. I pray every day that I can either have a baby, or find peace without
one.
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I honestly don’t stress about it as much as it sounds. I’m just
having a rough day today. I am happy. I love my husband, our marriage is
terrific, I love my dog and my cats, and my job is going great. I love that my
husband takes the time to talk to me about this stuff, and that I don’t feel
like I need to keep it inside. I like hearing how he sees the world and our
lives before a baby.
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| This is from the winter before last, but we didn't get any snow last winter |
I’m just almost looking forward to a place where we stop trying
for good and start preventing. Then I don’t have to wonder. I can finally move
on with my life. I have never been one to enjoy not knowing what comes next. I
never liked the beginning of relationships where you don’t know if he really likes
you or if he is going to call you, I like the married part of relationships
where you know you are together forever. Beats dating any day of the week. I
know this sounds like a whiny post, but it’s how I’m feeling today, and I don’t
apologize for true emotions.
Psalm 34:18
The
LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
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