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I’ve been wanting to give up for a long time. That doesn’t mean I don’t still want a baby. I still want to have a baby, and my hopes still build slightly as the end of the month nears. If my period was late the hope builds exponentially greater each day, and sometimes my mood plummets drastically after a negative test and my period finally showing up.
But today I read the most uplifting blog: Sweetness and Me: We're Baaaacccckkkk. It was about a couple who finally adopted after two years of trying. The joy emanating from the words I read was palpable, and it nearly brought tears to my eyes. She is so happy and it makes all the stress and pain and tears they experienced completely worth it. I want that.
I don’t think adoption is for me, because I can’t afford it, and I wouldn’t want to go through all the home visits and all that comes along with applying to adopt. But at this point I might consider surrogacy if I could afford it. I haven’t wanted to do that before either, (like when my sister half offered), because it can still be a complicated process, and I always thought I would have a big problem with someone having a drink with caffeine while carrying my baby, or having drugs during labor.
But after seeing this woman’s joy through her words at having her baby none of that seems to matter. I’m sure the birth mom didn’t do everything exactly the way the adoptive mom would have, and she had to have a c-section which is also not ideal, but it doesn’t matter. She has a baby now, and she is happy. That’s what matters.
I still want a baby, I do not want to give up, but I just don’t see being able to afford the procedures, or to pay for surrogacy… I have such conflicting feelings right now. It feels good to finally have the drive to try again. But that brings along fears and sadness. If we start actively trying again then I am opening myself up to a lot more hope and a lot more letdowns. I’m afraid to make myself vulnerable again. Writing this and feeling that vulnerability is bringing real tears to my eyes now. I think I need some encouragement.
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