Think Again
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For some reason I foolishly thought that since God was leading
us to stop trying, that I would instantly be at peace and it would be that
easy. I forgot that often god doesn’t call you to do something easy. This
became very clear to me a week ago at a women’s retreat. As I’ve said, my
prayer is for a baby, but especially for peace. One of the services at the
retreat started out with asking a few women what their number one request for
God is. My mind would tell you (as it did a couple weeks ago) that I know
having a baby would achieve peace, in this part of my life, so the end result
is my ultimate goal.
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This is all very logical and makes perfect sense. However when I
asked myself this question my heart didn’t let my mind get a word in edgewise.
I want a baby. A baby would be my one request for God if my heart had anything
to do with it. This surprised me, though it really shouldn’t have. All of a
sudden I was crying- which of course is not even close to the peace I am
seeking. We were asked to turn to our neighbor and share our one request, and
then pray for each other’s requests. My neighbor was my mom (who fought
infertility for 10 years). She asked me
what my request was (knowing the answer, and knowing we are not currently
trying). For a moment my mind and my heart argued. My mind wants peace. My
heart doesn’t care so much about peace; it wants to be a mommy. My heart
quickly won and through my tears and in a breaking voice I shared my
heart-truth with my mom. She cried with me and prayed with me. The rest of the
day I prayed and soul searched. It didn’t appear that my decision to stop
trying brought me the peace that my head is looking for. In fact I haven’t
cried so hard for my infertility problems since my miscarriage.
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So now I’ve realized that while I still believe God is calling
us to stop trying, that this is, of course, not a simple one step path to
happiness. I’m more committed to staying away from preventative measures than I
was, and I am daily praying for peace and also for relief of this yearning. My
desired outcome is to be in a place where I can accept God’s path for my life,
that I can be content with my life as a wife and a stepmom and an aunt, for as
long as my life is such. A place where I will be thrilled if I ever get my
chance to be a mom, however that chance might come, but that I will also be
thrilled with my life as it is right now.
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| This was our forgiveness ceremony, we wrote down something on a special piece of paper that we needed forgiveness for, and then dissolved that paper in some water, and then threw white rose petals in the river. It was beautiful. |
This means daily prayer for that mindset. I don’t know why I
thought we could just decide to stop trying, make it official by putting it in
the blog, and then I would have peace. This is a process. I do know that
my emotions cannot be allowed to control my life. Decisions are not to be made
based on how you feel during any given fleeting moment. This doesn’t mean my
emotions are wrong, never to be trusted, or my feelings aren’t valid, just that
when I have a heart moment that says “I want to be mom, who cares about peace”
that I have to remember that the heart is fickle, and a not super smart. Do I
always feel head over heels in love with my husband? I wish! It’d be
awesome if I did, but no married couple feels in love every moment of every
day. You choose to love your spouse with the logic side of you, even when your
heart wants you to storm off during an argument and never come back. Your mind
tells you to love and support your husband even when he is farting and making a
mess.
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So is this decision to stop trying going to make my life easy
and fun? Not right away, but I’m praying daily for the peace that I know God
wants to give me. Please pray with us as we continue down this path that I just
realized isn’t as smooth and beautiful as I expected, but which I still believe
is the path that God is leading us to take.
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