Rachel and Leah

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Rachel and Leah

 It’s hard being an infertile in this world. Happy news of friend’s pregnancies is hard to hear and hard to be happy about. It doesn’t mean you wish harm on your best friend that gets pregnant every time her husband looks at her funny; it’s just that you wish that you could also feel some pregnancy joy firsthand. 

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Aren’t you glad that you aren’t Rachel, Jacob’s wife? In Genesis there are several stories of infertility, but I’d have to say that I think Rachel’s is the worst. Yes Sara was nearly 100 before she had a kid, but God promised her she would have a baby. She just had to wait patiently. Rachel had no such promise. On top of it, her husband was married to her sister also. And because Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah, God gave Leah babies, and denied them to Rachel. How would you like to feel like you were being punished because you were too beautiful and your husband loved you so much? It’s not your fault that he loves you more. It’s not his fault either, because he only wanted to marry you, but your father tricked him into marrying your sister first. Rachel had to watch her sister have 6 babies with her own husband, her maid have 2 babies with her husband, and her sister’s maid to have 2 babies with her husband, before she could experience pregnancy joy first hand! I had a hard time with it when my sisters got pregnant. But I thank God that I don’t live in an era where my sisters were married to my husband and having his children!

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God eventually blessed Rachel with a baby of her own. And that child grew up to be the second most powerful man in Egypt. He saved so many people in Egypt and the surrounding areas. Remember that God knows what He is doing. Even if His plan does not include giving you a child, you can be confident that He has good intentions towards you. And remember, be thankful that your husband doesn’t have other wives who are giving him children while you have to sit on the sidelines and watch.

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Jeremiah 29:11 I know the plans I have in mind for you, declares the Lord; they are plans for peace, not disaster, to give you a future filled with hope.

The Icing on the Cake: Is it necessary?

Consider how the wild flowers grow, They do not labor nor spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these

Today I was talking to my husband and asking him if he ever got his hopes up that this month will be the one, and then gets lets down when it isn’t. He said it’s happened, but for him it was a matter of not letting it control him. That's where he doesn't understand how it is for me, for two reasons. 1: he is a man, and he really can't understand a woman's urge to mother, and 2: he already has a son, so he will never be childless. I don’t blame him for this, and I don’t think he doesn’t want a baby bad enough or anything like that, but as with most other issues there are gaps from men and women differences.

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His theory is basically that our lives are pretty awesome (even though we're broke and we suck and keeping our house clean) because we love each other to death and have a seriously happy marriage. I agree, and I have said that in this blog more than once. Not having a baby doesn't mean our lives suck, a baby may enhance our life but not having one isn't making our lives bad. His analogy is that having a baby would be the icing on the cake, or the ice cream on top of the pie. It's a nice addition but isn't required. I tried to explain to him that that's where we are different. I would never eat a piece of cake without icing. I am super picky and I only eat food that I really like. If it is subpar to my taste buds I don't want it. I am an all or nothing kind of person. I would rather eat no food than bad tasting food: If I burn my grilled cheese sandwich beyond scraping the burnt off, I'm going to throw it away and make another, and if that was the last of the bread or the last of the cheese I just won't have grilled cheese. Again, this doesn’t mean that I think that I will never be happy unless/until I have a baby. It’s like this: if someone asks me what I want for my birthday, I really don’t know, because I don’t let myself want things, so that I won’t be disappointed that I don’t have them. I just hate wondering. I hate hoping that this is the month and being let down. I wish I never even wanted a baby, so that I wouldn’t have this hole in my heart. I pray every day that I can either have a baby, or find peace without one.

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I honestly don’t stress about it as much as it sounds. I’m just having a rough day today. I am happy. I love my husband, our marriage is terrific, I love my dog and my cats, and my job is going great. I love that my husband takes the time to talk to me about this stuff, and that I don’t feel like I need to keep it inside. I like hearing how he sees the world and our lives before a baby.

This is from the winter before last, but we didn't get any snow last winter

 

 

I’m just almost looking forward to a place where we stop trying for good and start preventing. Then I don’t have to wonder. I can finally move on with my life. I have never been one to enjoy not knowing what comes next. I never liked the beginning of relationships where you don’t know if he really likes you or if he is going to call you, I like the married part of relationships where you know you are together forever. Beats dating any day of the week. I know this sounds like a whiny post, but it’s how I’m feeling today, and I don’t apologize for true emotions.

Psalm 34:18

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

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Rejoice Always, Always Rejoice

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Rejoice always, always rejoice,

Pray without ceasing, lift up your voice,

Shout to the heavens, dance, pray and sing,

Make a joyful noise, praise God for everything.

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Rejoice always, always rejoice,

Pray without ceasing, lift up your voice,

Help lift the spirits of everyone you meet,

The world is beautiful when there is dancing in the street.

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Rejoice always, always rejoice,

Pray without ceasing, lift up your voice,

God gave you life so enjoy every minute,

Life without Joy is one without Jesus in it.

                             -Hannah Love Chandler

Playing in the Rain

Lessons from Polly the Bird

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Outside the window at my office at work there are some bars, and lots of birds are always coming over to perch on those bars. One little brown bird is a chatty fella, he’s always singing and chirping and tweet-tweeting. There are lots of birds that visit us during the day, but only one that is rather distinctive. This little black bird visits us every day, and she is distinctive because she has only one leg. She flies up, perches on her one leg, and cleans herself and preens and ruffles her feathers. I don’t know what happened to her leg, but she doesn’t seem to let it get her down. 

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            God says that He takes care of the birds in the field. “Aren't five sparrows sold for two pennies? But God does not forget even one of them." Luke 12:6 Where was God when little Polly lost her leg? Did this feathered flier slip beneath the radar? Was she forgotten? Did this bird just not want her leg bad enough, or did she displease God by not singing prettily enough? Or… did God give Polly even more personal attention than usual? Maybe a cat had her, or a cruel person was planning on torturing her, and God got her away with one leg and her life. Do you think Polly would rather have died, then to fly away with one leg? Do you think she is mad at God because He didn’t make sure that she survived with both legs?

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            What if God is doing the same for you? Satan is real. He wants to hurt you, to shake your faith and to pull you away from God. And he will attempt to do just that in any way he knows how. What if He knows that going through childbirth would kill you, or that Satan will cause an illness to fall on your future child, and the child will die a painful death at a young age? Maybe God knows that for you and your husband, that loss would be worse than never having a child in the first place, and that that loss may cause you or your husband to lose your faith. Is having a child for a few years worth your child’s death or your death and you and your husband’s eternal life?

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            Maybe nothing that bad is going to happen, and the worst Satan is doing to you is striking you with infertility, and making you wait what seems like an unbearable time for your miracle, in hopes that the wait will be enough to cause you to lose your faith in God.

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Have you already lost your faith in God due to infertility or other occurrences? Are you blaming God for your problems? Have you stopped praying? If you have, Satan has won. Infertility has won. If you died tomorrow are you certain that you are in a place in your relationship with God that you will end up in Heaven? Luckily, there is hope: “This I recall to mind, therefore I have hope. The LORD’s lovingkindness indeed never ceases, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is your faithfulness.” –Lamentations 3:21-22. Every morning His compassions are new. Did you yell at God yesterday? Were you so angry at the arrival of your period or the news of another unwanted baby that you were blaming Him? This morning His compassions are new. He doesn’t get tired of you coming to Him and asking forgiveness, not every day, not even ever hour, or every 10 minutes. He doesn’t get tired of you coming to Him and asking for what you long for either. Call on Him all the time and tell Him what you want. Tell Him how much you want a baby and how much you will love a baby. 

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