Infertility and depression

I need to clear up a little confusion here. I have become aware that it may appear that my entire life revolves around infertility. If you know me only through my blog, or determine who I am and what I am like according to my blog, you may have the same misconception about me. My entire life does not revolve around infertility. Every blog I write is about infertility in one way or another and every topic I choose to write about I find a way to tie it in to infertility, but that is because it is an infertility blog. If I were to write a blog about photography nearly every blog post would be about photography in some way, but that wouldn't mean that every aspect of my life was infected by photography.

Infertility is not first and foremost on my mind every minute of every day. Yes, there are things that come up that bring it into focus, but I don't have the energy to obsess about it all the time. If I spend a lot of time thinking about it, then I will get a little sad. Sometimes I will get more than a little sad, or fall into a depression for a couple of days. However, not every bout of depression I suffer is infertility related. A fight with my husband can cause a short bout of depression, as could money problems, severe stress from work, or anything else that goes wrong. There are also times when there is no specific cause for a bout with depression, because depression is a lifelong battle that isn't yet well understood by doctors, and does not always have to have a specific cause other than a hormonal imbalance.

I have been suffering from depression for my entire life, from when I was a small kid, through my teens, and as an adult. So infertility is not the sole cause of my depression. Because depression is a lifelong battle I will not take antidepressants every time I have a bout with depression. Until my depression becomes so severe as to regularly limit my daily function I intend to stay away from anti-depressants. I have taken them in the past and they greatly benefited me, but I don't think it is necessary to be on anti-depressants for the rest of your life as long as you go off them under a doctor's supervision. I will go back on them if I decide it's necessary. I have also asked my husband to let me know if he thinks I need them again; if I don't recognize the need myself. However, if and when I go back on antidepressants I intend to take them only for a few months, and then attempt to go off of them (under a doctor's care) and see if I can once again handle life without the need to be on daily antidepressants. Most of my bouts with depression last a day or two, though I do sometimes have especially severe PMS at which point it can last for several days at a time.

Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) is one of the causes of my infertility; and, I have learned, can also be a cause of depression and/or mood swings. Many times a woman with PCOS suffers from more severe PMS, depression, and mood swings, than women who do not have PCOS. This can be caused by the imbalance of hormones that causes PCOS. So, chances are, even if I find out that I can never have a baby of my own and I somehow come to completely accept it so that I am never once bothered by it, I will still suffer from depression and mood swings. Of course, infertility isn't something that most people just 'get over'. I think I am pretty well adjusted to the idea of maybe not having a baby of my own, but that does not mean that I am happy for it or that I'm never going to be bothered by the thought ever again.