Clarification

The first sentence of my last post can be taken wrongly. Especially if you read only the first sentence, and especially if what you know about me personally is taken mostly from what I post on Facebook, for example, if you know me through a friend.  So I’m going to dissect that first sentence so maybe it can be better understood. I do ask that if you read only the first sentence, please read it all the way through, because that first sentence is not the point of the post.

The sentence in question: When I try to look to the future I can’t see us in a place other than where the bills are piling up, sex is a chore, and I’ve got baby on the brain.

Part one: the bills are piling up. This is not to say that we are flat broke, that we don’t have any money, or that we can’t afford to pay our bills. This is just saying that with doctor visits and the way the economy is, we aren’t rolling in the dough.

Part two: sex is a chore. I love my husband; I enjoy sex with my husband. But when sex has to be scheduled, when it is required and must be done on a certain day, at a certain time, it becomes a chore. Not just for me, but for him too. This doesn’t mean we never have sex for fun, but when we are having sex just because it is the right time of the month and not just because we are in the mood, that makes it a chore. This sentiment is common for people who have been trying to get pregnant for several years. But, it doesn’t mean that we only think of sex as a chore.

Part three: I’ve got baby on the brain. This is not me saying that I only think of having a baby every minute of every day. Again, when most of what you know about me personally is via this blog, it’s likely that it appears that I do nothing but obsess over trying to get pregnant or the fact that I can’t. This is absolutely not true. I wish I could have a baby. But it doesn’t enter my every waking thought.

That sentence was supposed to be just a little glimpse into the thoughts that a lot of infertile couples have to struggle with. These aren’t thoughts that we have all the time, but they do cross our minds.

The Future

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When I try to look to the future I can’t see us in a place other than where the bills are piling up, sex is a chore, and I’ve got baby on the brain. That is not a bright future. Lately I’ve been praying a lot for peace, at least as much for peace as for a baby. I think having a baby is one way to have peace, but I would be happy if I could have peace another way too. I can have peace living my life child free, if I’m not always waiting for the waiting to be over and my life as a mom to begin.

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So in my praying and seeking started to feel God nudging me towards a new path. It’s a subtle feeling (I sure wish God would come out and talk to me like He did Sara and Abraham) but subtle it may be, I feel the nudge to step on the TTC (trying to conceive) rollercoaster and start down what I hope will be a peaceful path side by side with God and my husband.

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So I sat down with my dear husband to tell him about what I think God is guiding us to do. At this point I think my husband is mostly along for the ride for my sake. It’s not that he doesn’t want to have a baby with me, but he is content to just let it run its course. For him it’s not so much a roller coaster as a plane ride. There might be some turbulence around the way, but it doesn’t ruffle his feathers like it does mine.

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His request for our change in plans is that I don’t start preventing right away, which we are in agreement on. I won’t prevent for at least a few months, but I’m afraid I won’t be truly off the roller coaster until chances of my period being late due to pregnancy are nearly nonexistent. To save myself the monthly heartache we may have to stop the whole ride. But I’m willing to give not trying/not preventing another chance (we did it once, got pregnant and then I had an early miscarriage.) we talked about adoption, and I told him I was willing to look at it with an open mind if he wants to do some research. Adoption is never something I’ve been crazy about, but I’m less closed off to it than I used to be.

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Does this mean I don’t want a baby? That I won’t be sad anymore? That another person’s baby news will never again rub me the wrong way? Would I turn away someone who wanted me to adopt their baby? Of course not, the rollercoaster just needs to stop. What if this isn’t from God? What if by stopping, or worse, preventing, I am throwing a wrench in God’s plan for my life? I trust that God can get through any barrier I throw in His way; if He decides I’m gonna have a baby. Maybe He will bring a birth mother to me at exactly the right time, and we all know birth control is not 100% effective. And, God may be nudging me to stop only temporarily. Whatever the obstacle, God can overcome it if He wants. But whatever He decides to do or not do, I will trust and praise Him. In the paraphrased words of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, “The God I worship can save me from a life of stress and misery being childless, but even if He doesn’t, I will still praise Him and do the right thing.”

“The God we worship can save us from you and your flaming furnace.  But even if he doesn’t, we still won’t worship your gods and the gold statue you have set up.” Daniel 3:17-18

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