Closure

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I recently read about a Jewish couple that came up with a ceremony to help them mourn and accept their inability to have a child. I've been following this website www.Kveller.com which identifies itself as a Jewish Parenting website, and it's a forum for several writers to share their blogs. Many of the blogs are about parenting and parenting issues, but several of the blogs are about things that are only loosely related to parenting, like marriage or divorce, Jewish ceremonies and holidays, and infertility. I got turned on to the site because this is where Mayim Bialik (AKA Amy Farrah Fowler or Blossom) posts her blog.

One of the other Jewish traditions that I've read about is the Mikveh, which is a ritual bath that women go to before they get married, and each month after their period, after giving birth or having a miscarriage, and some women go in the 9th month of their pregnancy for good luck. The simplest way to describe it is like an immersion baptism, but you immerse yourself. If you want to know anything about the Mikveh go here. This ritual intrigues me, I guess I like the symbolism of a spiritual cleansing.

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This doesn't really have anything to do with my point behind the post, except to say that I like some of the ceremonies and rituals of the Jewish faith. Anyways I was browsing a blog on Kveller about modern rituals about families, childbirth, and infertility and came across this ceremony created by a Jewish couple to help themselves and others deal with coming to grips with the loss of their dream of having a baby. This couple has decided (or had it decided for them) that they will no longer be trying to conceive. They don't know if they will attempt to adopt or try to find peace at living child free, but regardless of where they go from now they have to grieve the fact that they will never have a biological child. There are many aspects of this ceremony, each step meant to help the couple face and cope with the grief they are dealing with as they choose to stop trying to conceive. At one point they crumble some bread and throw it in the water to symbolize the casting away of regrets and what-ifs. There is a memorial part similar to the cutting of the black ribbon that is done after the death of a close family member, but they cut blue and pink ribbons to memorialize the babies that they will never have. There are foods that have special meanings and specific prayers that they say. In the end it is a way of saying "we're done with this chapter, let's tackle the next" as well as saying that they will no longer let infertility define them.

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It sounds like a nice way to attempt to get some closure after coming to the difficult decision to stop pursuing your dream of having children. Closure is so important. A lot of people have been on this road. Some for only a few years, some for many years before finally getting their miracle. But some of us never see our dreams realized. We started trying almost 8 years ago, and we actively tried for about 3 years, then off and on the rest of the time. We've decided to stop trying (again). There are several sensible reasons behind our decision. But as much sense as it makes and as much progress I have made in the last several years at being okay with all this, it still hurts to think about never having a baby. Sometimes I think about going on Birth Control to regulate things and take the not knowing away. Sometimes during intense cramps and bad periods I even think about getting a hysterectomy (they are that bad). Whatever happens I'm ready for some closure. I don't want to have a ceremony or anything, but it seems like some small acknowledgment of that closed chapter in my life and of facing a very different future than I envisioned would be nice.

Has anybody ever done anything like this or have any suggestions?