Storie's Story

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Being at the birth of my niece was such a blessing. (Remember her name is Storie) As I stated in my last post it was very important for me to be able to witness the miracle of birth at least once in my life. When she called at told me her contractions were a half hour apart and had been for several hours I decided I would finish dinner and then get on the road to start my three hour trip. When I was half way there her contractions had already advanced to 5 minutes apart and they were going to the hospital, but luckily for me neither the labor nor the contractions advanced for the entire hour that she was in the hospital before I got there. They even sent her home after an hour (right after I got there) and told her the baby wasn’t coming tonight, since she was only 1.5 cm dilated. We talked about walking around Walmart but the nurse said not to go walking because the baby wasn’t coming tonight and walking would only tire mom out. She said mom should go home and get some sleep. We weren’t sure how the expectant mom was supposed to go about sleeping while having contractions at 5 minutes apart, but we did what the nurse said.

When we got back to her house we started religiously timing the contractions using the stopwatch on my phone. Within the hour they were 2 minutes apart and very painful, so we went back to the hospital. Eventually they moved her to her own delivery suite, where mom stays through the labor, delivery and after the baby comes until she goes home.

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About 5:15 mom was checked again to see how far she was dilated, because she wanted to get more IV drugs, but wasn’t going to do it if she was 7cm or more, because baby has to go to ICU if she is born within 4 hours of getting the drugs. She was only at 6cm so she opted for more pain relief. 10 minutes after getting the IV her water finally broke. Her pain got much worse and I made sure that the new dad was standing by her side, and asked him for his phone so I could call his mom, since she wanted to be notified when the water broke.

While I was on the phone with his mom to tell her that the water broke Storie made her quick entrance into this world. From the time her water broke to the time she was completely out it was about 3 minutes, and from the time she started coming to the time she was all the way out it took about 10 seconds. I barely turned my head in time to see her make her grand entrance into this beautiful world. She came out with some great lungs, screaming away and with a full head of dark hair. She was born at 5:28 am, 7 lb 1 oz, 20 inches long. Since she was born 10 minutes after mom’s second dose of IV drugs she was soon taken to ICU, after dad cut the umbilical cord and she was cleaned up and held for a couple of minutes. I teared up when she came out and when dad cut the cord.

Big sister Layla and Storie

It was a terrific thing to see this beautiful baby be born into our strange world, and I am so happy I was able to witness it. She did great at ICU and they brought her back an hour sooner than they said they would, so we all started to take pictures. Mom and dad were both so happy, as were all the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even big sister (who is almost 3) was a little happy, though I don’t think she was entirely sure what was going on. Storie latched well and breastfed for the first time, diapers were changed, baby was held and loved, family was together; it was a great scene with which to begin or end a movie, and similar to the picture I would use to portray my dream for my husband and myself.

Dad, Mom, big sister Layla, Baby Storie

Maybe I Won't Give Up

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I’ve been wanting to give up for a long time. That doesn’t mean I don’t still want a baby. I still want to have a baby, and my hopes still build slightly as the end of the month nears. If my period was late the hope builds exponentially greater each day, and sometimes my mood plummets drastically after a negative test and my period finally showing up.

But today I read the most uplifting blog: Sweetness and Me: We're Baaaacccckkkk. It was about a couple who finally adopted after two years of trying. The joy emanating from the words I read was palpable, and it nearly brought tears to my eyes. She is so happy and it makes all the stress and pain and tears they experienced completely worth it. I want that.

I don’t think adoption is for me, because I can’t afford it, and I wouldn’t want to go through all the home visits and all that comes along with applying to adopt. But at this point I might consider surrogacy if I could afford it. I haven’t wanted to do that before either, (like when my sister half offered),  because it can still be a complicated process, and I always thought I would have a big problem with someone having a drink with caffeine while carrying my baby, or having drugs during labor.

But after seeing this woman’s joy through her words at having her baby none of that seems to matter. I’m sure the birth mom didn’t do everything exactly the way the adoptive mom would have, and she had to have a c-section which is also not ideal, but it doesn’t matter. She has a baby now, and she is happy. That’s what matters.

I still want a baby, I do not want to give up, but I just don’t see being able to afford the procedures, or to pay for surrogacy… I have such conflicting feelings right now. It feels good to finally have the drive to try again. But that brings along fears and sadness. If we start actively trying again then I am opening myself up to a lot more hope and a lot more letdowns. I’m afraid to make myself vulnerable again. Writing this and feeling that vulnerability is bringing real tears to my eyes now. I think I need some encouragement. 

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