Miscarriage: Handling it for you or a friend

Miscarriages can be a touchy subject. Infertility is defined as being unable to get pregnant or carry a baby to term successfully, and some people have multiple miscarriages. Somehow they keep on going, which I don’t think I would be able to do. I have only had one and it was very early (5 weeks), but it was still terrible and I don’t know if I could handle more than one more miscarriage. It was horrible seeing all of our dreams realized with that home pregnancy test that said pregnant, and then a week later seeing our dreams literally (sorry if it’s TMI) flushed down the toilet.

There isn’t much you can say to someone who is going through a miscarriage. Even if you have been through it there isn’t much you can say to make someone feel better. The most you can do is just try to be there for someone hurting from a miscarriage like you would for someone hurting from anything else. Let your friend know that you want to be able to help in any way possible. That you are here to listen to them vent, to be a shoulder to cry on, or to offer support in any other way.

For those of you going through or having gone through a miscarriage, know that your friends probably don’t know what the best thing is to say or do, and that when someone says something that upsets you they most likely meant well. Also for early miscarriages: don’t let anyone tell you it wasn’t a real baby. Doctors may call it a chemical pregnancy, and if it helps you, great; but that didn’t make me feel any better. Don’t let anybody try to trivialize your pain by trying to make less of the pregnancy than it was.

I think I live in fear of having another miscarriage. I try not to think about it, but I am so worried I will have another one that if I am ever late for my period I rush to take a home test and get a blood test because I want to find out right away if there is anything I can do to make sure this one sticks. This is probably one of the reasons why I have put off actively trying for so long. We still haven’t been back to the doctor.

Pro-Life Discussions

Storie Kae - Click her to see more photos

Last night I saw a disturbing photo and story on Facebook. It wasn’t the picture that bothered me as much as the story that went along with it. The picture, hopefully without going into too much detail was of a baby that had been aborted later in the pregnancy, around 6 months if the accompanying story is to be believed. The story was a first person dialog of the baby saying something to mommy each month. It would say I am so many months old, and include a fact about the baby’s growth, and then baby says how much he loves mommy. Each month there would be more first person dialog with another fact and more of baby talking to mommy. It goes up to 6 months, and talks about how mommy went to the doctor and the doctor “told you I’m not a baby”, and ended with the baby being in heaven and asking mommy why didn’t you want me?

Layla Skye

This doesn’t offend me because I am pro-choice, because I’m 100% pro-life. this doesn’t offend me because I think the picture is too graphic, because I think that if we as a society think that it is acceptable to do this to babies, we as a society should be able to stomach the pictures. This offends me because it is intentionally inflammatory and excessively plays on the emotions and the point seems to be to hurt mothers who have had or ever thought of having an abortion.

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As a pro-lifer I believe that there is no legitimate reason to have an abortion. I don’t agree with abortion because of rape or incest, or a high number of multiples from fertility treatment, or because the doctors say he is going to have a disability or won’t live past a year (or two months or a week). The only reason I can see being a real reason is if the mother is legitimately in life threatening danger from the pregnancy.

Layla Skye

My battle with infertility is not what drove me to this belief. I have always been pro-life, and would choose this topic sometimes for persuasive papers, and would argue my point with anybody who wanted to argue with me. The truth is that you can always give a baby up for adoption. I know that carrying that baby for nine months can make it hard to give it up, but the majority of the time it was your choice to have sex and take the chance (and 100% of the time it is not the baby’s fault). Therefore people should own up to their mistakes and be responsible enough to do the right thing, even if it’s not the easy thing. My battle with infertility certainly has an effect on how I feel now, but my pro-life inclinations have not changed.

Storie Kae - Click here to see more of my photos

However, this story is over the top. While I believe that a baby is a real person from the moment of conception, I don’t believe that a baby has the cognitive ability to think formed thoughts and love and feel rejected. Also, without getting into a theological debate, I, as a Seventh Day Adventist, believe that when we die we do not go straight to heaven but instead stay ‘sleeping’ until the second coming of Christ. So I also don’t believe that aborted babies, nor miscarried babies are in heaven, but I do believe we will meet them in heaven. Bottom line this story meant to play on the emotions of women is inappropriate and is nearly as detrimental to the pro-life cause as protestors who tightrope on the line between peaceful protesting and criminal behavior, and those who ignore it completely.

Gabrielle Sarah

The fact is that late term abortions are very rare, and I’m not even sure how legal they are. And a baby, aborted at any stage, is not thinking “Why Mommy?” This doesn’t make abortion any more right in my mind, but it’s misguided to act as though every abortion is a late abortion and that the babies are aware of what is happening and thinking “How could Mommy do this to me? I love her so much.”

Layla Skye

This was not my attempt to start a debate, neither to offend any pro-choicers nor any pro-lifers who think this tactic is necessary and acceptable. Everybody has to decide for themselves what is right, and then do it, because everybody has to answer to God, not to each other. This is just one of the things I feel strongly about, and had to get off my chest. 

Storie Kae - See more of my photos

Storie's Story

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Being at the birth of my niece was such a blessing. (Remember her name is Storie) As I stated in my last post it was very important for me to be able to witness the miracle of birth at least once in my life. When she called at told me her contractions were a half hour apart and had been for several hours I decided I would finish dinner and then get on the road to start my three hour trip. When I was half way there her contractions had already advanced to 5 minutes apart and they were going to the hospital, but luckily for me neither the labor nor the contractions advanced for the entire hour that she was in the hospital before I got there. They even sent her home after an hour (right after I got there) and told her the baby wasn’t coming tonight, since she was only 1.5 cm dilated. We talked about walking around Walmart but the nurse said not to go walking because the baby wasn’t coming tonight and walking would only tire mom out. She said mom should go home and get some sleep. We weren’t sure how the expectant mom was supposed to go about sleeping while having contractions at 5 minutes apart, but we did what the nurse said.

When we got back to her house we started religiously timing the contractions using the stopwatch on my phone. Within the hour they were 2 minutes apart and very painful, so we went back to the hospital. Eventually they moved her to her own delivery suite, where mom stays through the labor, delivery and after the baby comes until she goes home.

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About 5:15 mom was checked again to see how far she was dilated, because she wanted to get more IV drugs, but wasn’t going to do it if she was 7cm or more, because baby has to go to ICU if she is born within 4 hours of getting the drugs. She was only at 6cm so she opted for more pain relief. 10 minutes after getting the IV her water finally broke. Her pain got much worse and I made sure that the new dad was standing by her side, and asked him for his phone so I could call his mom, since she wanted to be notified when the water broke.

While I was on the phone with his mom to tell her that the water broke Storie made her quick entrance into this world. From the time her water broke to the time she was completely out it was about 3 minutes, and from the time she started coming to the time she was all the way out it took about 10 seconds. I barely turned my head in time to see her make her grand entrance into this beautiful world. She came out with some great lungs, screaming away and with a full head of dark hair. She was born at 5:28 am, 7 lb 1 oz, 20 inches long. Since she was born 10 minutes after mom’s second dose of IV drugs she was soon taken to ICU, after dad cut the umbilical cord and she was cleaned up and held for a couple of minutes. I teared up when she came out and when dad cut the cord.

Big sister Layla and Storie

It was a terrific thing to see this beautiful baby be born into our strange world, and I am so happy I was able to witness it. She did great at ICU and they brought her back an hour sooner than they said they would, so we all started to take pictures. Mom and dad were both so happy, as were all the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even big sister (who is almost 3) was a little happy, though I don’t think she was entirely sure what was going on. Storie latched well and breastfed for the first time, diapers were changed, baby was held and loved, family was together; it was a great scene with which to begin or end a movie, and similar to the picture I would use to portray my dream for my husband and myself.

Dad, Mom, big sister Layla, Baby Storie

Niece #3

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My sister is due with her second baby at the end of this month. We are all thinking she might come early, and I am hoping for today because I have a three day weekend since I have Martin Luther King JR Day off and then I wouldn't have to take any vacation time to go there. She lives about 3 hours from me, so when she goes into labor she is going to call me so that I can get there as soon as possible. I have a bag packed in my car so that I can leave from work or in the middle of the night with no packing necessary, and I have it approved by my boss to leave from work when she calls. I have a couple of vacation and couple of sick days built up so I should be able to take a couple of days, but I hope she goes into labor right before any given weekend so that I can take maybe 2 vacation days and have 2 weekend days also to meet my third niece, Storie.

I am very excited to be there and I hope the labor doesn't go by so fast that I miss it. I have never been there when somebody was in labor and I am really looking forward to it. I wasn't able to make it to this sister's first baby's birth because my old boss wouldn't let me leave, and I couldn't make it to my other sister's baby's birth because she lives out of state and I couldn't afford to fly there on a moment's notice.

When I missed the last one because my old boss refused to work with me or reschedule any of my rides to go with anybody else I was so upset. I really wanted to be there because I don't know if I will ever have one of my own, and this might be my only chance to be present at a live birth. So this time I am hoping that I can make it and I can be there to witness the birth of my new niece. I am so excited to be able to welcome another baby into my family, judging by my awesome two nieces I already have I bet this one will be a great addition.

My darling husband (who thinks he's a 4 year old)

And, just to remind my husband—the Hargraves women ONLY have girls. When and if WE ever get pregnant it is going to be a girl, and we are going to give her some kind of wacky hippie name like this third niece coming this month. Deal with it. Whining like a child will only be accepted while you are wearing your Mickey Mouse footie jammies that you got for Christmas this year.

Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving is around the corner, and mine is going to be great! I get to go visit my mom, my husband will be there, my stepson, both of my sisters, both of my nieces, my brother-in-law and his little brother, my soon to be brother-in-law, and my aunt and uncle.

Layla

My nieces are the light of my life. They are so beautiful and awesome I just can’t get enough of them. Unfortunately one of my sisters lives in Texas, and like the mean lady she is she keeps her daughter all the way down there with her. My other sister lives near my mom on the other side of Tennessee from me, so I get to see her and her daughter a little more often, but not nearly often enough. Layla is 2 and a half years old and has so much energy. The last time I went to see her I was sitting on the floor and she would run across the living room and jump into my arms, and then run away and do it all over again. At one point she was standing next to me and suddenly just jumped into my arms, luckily I was quick enough to catch her; she just jumped with full confidence in her invincibility and my capability of catching her.

Gabby and daddy - John

My other niece is Gabby almost 2 years old, and I’ve only seen her twice (plus seen her through video chat once). She is also beautiful and does some really cute stuff, but because I haven’t been around her as much I don’t have any stories of my own about her.

It is an extremely rare occasion when the whole family gets together. It hasn’t happened that all three girls with families have been together in over 4 years since we all moved away from Michigan. Both my husband and I love being around kids, so this holiday will be a wonderful one, though it will probably leave us wanting a baby that much more by the time Sunday rolls around. Maybe that will be a good motivator and conversation starter to start thinking about getting this process started again. 

Layla and Ben (My husband)