Miscarriage: Handling it for you or a friend

Miscarriages can be a touchy subject. Infertility is defined as being unable to get pregnant or carry a baby to term successfully, and some people have multiple miscarriages. Somehow they keep on going, which I don’t think I would be able to do. I have only had one and it was very early (5 weeks), but it was still terrible and I don’t know if I could handle more than one more miscarriage. It was horrible seeing all of our dreams realized with that home pregnancy test that said pregnant, and then a week later seeing our dreams literally (sorry if it’s TMI) flushed down the toilet.

There isn’t much you can say to someone who is going through a miscarriage. Even if you have been through it there isn’t much you can say to make someone feel better. The most you can do is just try to be there for someone hurting from a miscarriage like you would for someone hurting from anything else. Let your friend know that you want to be able to help in any way possible. That you are here to listen to them vent, to be a shoulder to cry on, or to offer support in any other way.

For those of you going through or having gone through a miscarriage, know that your friends probably don’t know what the best thing is to say or do, and that when someone says something that upsets you they most likely meant well. Also for early miscarriages: don’t let anyone tell you it wasn’t a real baby. Doctors may call it a chemical pregnancy, and if it helps you, great; but that didn’t make me feel any better. Don’t let anybody try to trivialize your pain by trying to make less of the pregnancy than it was.

I think I live in fear of having another miscarriage. I try not to think about it, but I am so worried I will have another one that if I am ever late for my period I rush to take a home test and get a blood test because I want to find out right away if there is anything I can do to make sure this one sticks. This is probably one of the reasons why I have put off actively trying for so long. We still haven’t been back to the doctor.

To Test or Not To Test?

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So I had another negative test yesterday. Having suffered through a miscarriage and having to live with the knowledge that I may have been able to prevent it if I got to the doctor soon enough does not allow me to take a relaxed look at AF (Aunt Flo) coming late. Unfortunately I am not extremely regular so there are many months that I am a few days late. My choice once I am a few days late is to just sit around and wait and see if it shows up, or take a home pregnancy test.

If I take a test I risk wasting the money on a test and wasting some hopes on the fact that it might come up positive when it always comes up negative. If I wait around for AF to show up I take the risk that I am by some miracle pregnant and then losing it because I waited too long and didn’t get the tests done to tell me that I needed to start some supplements. Also each day of waiting around for it to show up only raises my hopes. Taking a test and having it come up negative is one way to dash those hopes early before they become harmful.

I can usually hold off on testing when I am just one day late. This month by the time I got to being a full 2 days late I went out and bought a test with the intention of testing in the morning on the 3^rd day if I still saw no signs of starting. My caring husband was worried about me taking the test and having it come up negative and push me off the edge into a depression. When I explained to him about wanting to know right away only so that I could get the necessary tests I needed that might help me keep it he understood and agreed with me. I also explain that the hopes are there and whether the no comes from AF showing up or from a negative test it still hurts. The only difference is it takes longer to get a no (with more time for hopes to build) if I wait around for AF.

The other problem that arises here is that a negative Home Pregnancy Test does not mean a definitive no and neither does spotting. I had both implantation spotting and a negative pregnancy test at some point during the few short days when I was pregnant, and I was definitely pregnant through both of those signs. So even after taking one test I can’t be sure, though it does get me through a few more days. After a few more days with no sign of AF showing up I may take another test. “I may have ovulated late, meaning that I could have got pregnant later than usual and the pregnancy hormone might show up on a home test in a few days.” See how fertility hope won’t leave me alone? There is a way to explain every symptom and negative pregnancy test, building up false hope until it’s been stacked too high and everything tumbles at the first definitive sign.

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