Dreaming for My Child - And Enjoying My Nieces

I dream about the day that Ben and I can take our toddler to the zoo, or to the park to swing on the swings and go down the slide. I long for the feedings, the smiles and those tiny fingers to grab mine. The other day we were at Walmart looking at all the Easter Baskets, and it started us talking about the kinds of things we would put in our child’s Easter Basket. 

But while I dream, I make sure to enjoy the reality, which is my adorable nieces, who I love so much. This weekend I got to see 2 of them, and briefly video chatted with another. It made for a great weekend. We went to the Chattanooga Zoo with the Layla, watched Winnie the Pooh, danced and shared dinner. I gave a bottle to Storie and got some great shots of that two month old lighting up the room with her smile, and the 3 year old discovering the world around her and emanating innocence.

While I will always have that hope that one day it will be Ben and I our kids, I strive not to let that shadow of longing block out the sun that is my current family. If you don’t take the time to enjoy what you have, you will never be happy because there will always be something that you wish for. When I think about my nieces it brings a smile to my face, and when I know I’m going to get to spend time with them I can hardly wait to get through my week.

“Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn’t stop to enjoy it”

          -William Feather

Miscarriage: Handling it for you or a friend

Miscarriages can be a touchy subject. Infertility is defined as being unable to get pregnant or carry a baby to term successfully, and some people have multiple miscarriages. Somehow they keep on going, which I don’t think I would be able to do. I have only had one and it was very early (5 weeks), but it was still terrible and I don’t know if I could handle more than one more miscarriage. It was horrible seeing all of our dreams realized with that home pregnancy test that said pregnant, and then a week later seeing our dreams literally (sorry if it’s TMI) flushed down the toilet.

There isn’t much you can say to someone who is going through a miscarriage. Even if you have been through it there isn’t much you can say to make someone feel better. The most you can do is just try to be there for someone hurting from a miscarriage like you would for someone hurting from anything else. Let your friend know that you want to be able to help in any way possible. That you are here to listen to them vent, to be a shoulder to cry on, or to offer support in any other way.

For those of you going through or having gone through a miscarriage, know that your friends probably don’t know what the best thing is to say or do, and that when someone says something that upsets you they most likely meant well. Also for early miscarriages: don’t let anyone tell you it wasn’t a real baby. Doctors may call it a chemical pregnancy, and if it helps you, great; but that didn’t make me feel any better. Don’t let anybody try to trivialize your pain by trying to make less of the pregnancy than it was.

I think I live in fear of having another miscarriage. I try not to think about it, but I am so worried I will have another one that if I am ever late for my period I rush to take a home test and get a blood test because I want to find out right away if there is anything I can do to make sure this one sticks. This is probably one of the reasons why I have put off actively trying for so long. We still haven’t been back to the doctor.

Pro-Life Discussions

Storie Kae - Click her to see more photos

Last night I saw a disturbing photo and story on Facebook. It wasn’t the picture that bothered me as much as the story that went along with it. The picture, hopefully without going into too much detail was of a baby that had been aborted later in the pregnancy, around 6 months if the accompanying story is to be believed. The story was a first person dialog of the baby saying something to mommy each month. It would say I am so many months old, and include a fact about the baby’s growth, and then baby says how much he loves mommy. Each month there would be more first person dialog with another fact and more of baby talking to mommy. It goes up to 6 months, and talks about how mommy went to the doctor and the doctor “told you I’m not a baby”, and ended with the baby being in heaven and asking mommy why didn’t you want me?

Layla Skye

This doesn’t offend me because I am pro-choice, because I’m 100% pro-life. this doesn’t offend me because I think the picture is too graphic, because I think that if we as a society think that it is acceptable to do this to babies, we as a society should be able to stomach the pictures. This offends me because it is intentionally inflammatory and excessively plays on the emotions and the point seems to be to hurt mothers who have had or ever thought of having an abortion.

Click here to see more of my photos

As a pro-lifer I believe that there is no legitimate reason to have an abortion. I don’t agree with abortion because of rape or incest, or a high number of multiples from fertility treatment, or because the doctors say he is going to have a disability or won’t live past a year (or two months or a week). The only reason I can see being a real reason is if the mother is legitimately in life threatening danger from the pregnancy.

Layla Skye

My battle with infertility is not what drove me to this belief. I have always been pro-life, and would choose this topic sometimes for persuasive papers, and would argue my point with anybody who wanted to argue with me. The truth is that you can always give a baby up for adoption. I know that carrying that baby for nine months can make it hard to give it up, but the majority of the time it was your choice to have sex and take the chance (and 100% of the time it is not the baby’s fault). Therefore people should own up to their mistakes and be responsible enough to do the right thing, even if it’s not the easy thing. My battle with infertility certainly has an effect on how I feel now, but my pro-life inclinations have not changed.

Storie Kae - Click here to see more of my photos

However, this story is over the top. While I believe that a baby is a real person from the moment of conception, I don’t believe that a baby has the cognitive ability to think formed thoughts and love and feel rejected. Also, without getting into a theological debate, I, as a Seventh Day Adventist, believe that when we die we do not go straight to heaven but instead stay ‘sleeping’ until the second coming of Christ. So I also don’t believe that aborted babies, nor miscarried babies are in heaven, but I do believe we will meet them in heaven. Bottom line this story meant to play on the emotions of women is inappropriate and is nearly as detrimental to the pro-life cause as protestors who tightrope on the line between peaceful protesting and criminal behavior, and those who ignore it completely.

Gabrielle Sarah

The fact is that late term abortions are very rare, and I’m not even sure how legal they are. And a baby, aborted at any stage, is not thinking “Why Mommy?” This doesn’t make abortion any more right in my mind, but it’s misguided to act as though every abortion is a late abortion and that the babies are aware of what is happening and thinking “How could Mommy do this to me? I love her so much.”

Layla Skye

This was not my attempt to start a debate, neither to offend any pro-choicers nor any pro-lifers who think this tactic is necessary and acceptable. Everybody has to decide for themselves what is right, and then do it, because everybody has to answer to God, not to each other. This is just one of the things I feel strongly about, and had to get off my chest. 

Storie Kae - See more of my photos

Niece #3

Click here to see more of my photos

My sister is due with her second baby at the end of this month. We are all thinking she might come early, and I am hoping for today because I have a three day weekend since I have Martin Luther King JR Day off and then I wouldn't have to take any vacation time to go there. She lives about 3 hours from me, so when she goes into labor she is going to call me so that I can get there as soon as possible. I have a bag packed in my car so that I can leave from work or in the middle of the night with no packing necessary, and I have it approved by my boss to leave from work when she calls. I have a couple of vacation and couple of sick days built up so I should be able to take a couple of days, but I hope she goes into labor right before any given weekend so that I can take maybe 2 vacation days and have 2 weekend days also to meet my third niece, Storie.

I am very excited to be there and I hope the labor doesn't go by so fast that I miss it. I have never been there when somebody was in labor and I am really looking forward to it. I wasn't able to make it to this sister's first baby's birth because my old boss wouldn't let me leave, and I couldn't make it to my other sister's baby's birth because she lives out of state and I couldn't afford to fly there on a moment's notice.

When I missed the last one because my old boss refused to work with me or reschedule any of my rides to go with anybody else I was so upset. I really wanted to be there because I don't know if I will ever have one of my own, and this might be my only chance to be present at a live birth. So this time I am hoping that I can make it and I can be there to witness the birth of my new niece. I am so excited to be able to welcome another baby into my family, judging by my awesome two nieces I already have I bet this one will be a great addition.

My darling husband (who thinks he's a 4 year old)

And, just to remind my husband—the Hargraves women ONLY have girls. When and if WE ever get pregnant it is going to be a girl, and we are going to give her some kind of wacky hippie name like this third niece coming this month. Deal with it. Whining like a child will only be accepted while you are wearing your Mickey Mouse footie jammies that you got for Christmas this year.

Are You Pregnant?

See More of My Photos

This is not a fun question. I usually hear it when I’m sick, as a question or as a prediction- “Maybe you’re pregnant”. I don’t get mad, and I don’t blame the person asking it, because most people don’t realize that I would know if I was pregnant. I always know what day of my cycle I am on and whether or not I could be pregnant. Also it is SO hard for those of us trying to keep from getting excited during our “two week wait”.  For infertile couples the Two Week Wait (2ww) is the time between ovulation, at which point some have had Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) or In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Others that not doing IUI or IVF may have just been taking medication to help them ovulate and having Timed Intercourse (TI) which is just planning to have sex at the right time of the month. Even those that aren’t on any medication, like me, are still stressed out. Most of us already read too much into every twitch and stomach ache and mood swing thinking that it means we are pregnant, that we don’t need others predicting for us.

Another problem we have is dreaming we are pregnant. Most people I know battling infertility dream on occasion that they are pregnant and/or have just had a baby. I had another dream last night about getting pregnant and giving birth.  Every time I dream about it I dream that it goes really smooth. It’s such a bummer to wake up from a dream like this, but I guess it’s nice while I’m dreaming, because I’m so happy.

In conclusion: Infertility Sucks!