April Photo a Day - Days 3 and 4

Day 3 - Mail

So yesterday was mail. I couldn't figure out how to get a picture that went with the category but was also creative and not just a picture of an envelope, so I decided to put a stamp on a rubber ducky and take a picture of that. Then I decided to put the duck in a mailbox and take a picture of it, but by the time I realized that would be better it was too dark outside to do the photo. Instead of doing a lesser picture and getting it in on the day it was needed I decided to put it off until today. So today I have day 3 picture of mail, as a rubber ducky with a stamp in a mailbox. I love rubber duckies. They are so cute. This one I saw at Walmart the other day and I looked at it and put it back. My husband told me I should get it if I like it, and I said I liked it but I didn't need it and continued on shopping. My husband decided to go back and get it, and put it in the cart. I love him <3. I decided though to give it to my niece for Easter, since I get to see her this weekend for and I bought her this adorable unicorn Easter basket.

Day 4 - Someone who makes you smile

Day 4 is Someone who makes you happy. I was going to use one of my old photos of my husband and my dog, but my husband decided to hijack my hammock tonight and I thought it would be a great photo op to get my darling husband faking sleep for the camera in my hammock. Now since I have completed today's and yesterday's photo challenge my plan is to go outside, kick him out of my comfy spot and settle in for an hour of relaxation.

Dreaming for My Child - And Enjoying My Nieces

I dream about the day that Ben and I can take our toddler to the zoo, or to the park to swing on the swings and go down the slide. I long for the feedings, the smiles and those tiny fingers to grab mine. The other day we were at Walmart looking at all the Easter Baskets, and it started us talking about the kinds of things we would put in our child’s Easter Basket. 

But while I dream, I make sure to enjoy the reality, which is my adorable nieces, who I love so much. This weekend I got to see 2 of them, and briefly video chatted with another. It made for a great weekend. We went to the Chattanooga Zoo with the Layla, watched Winnie the Pooh, danced and shared dinner. I gave a bottle to Storie and got some great shots of that two month old lighting up the room with her smile, and the 3 year old discovering the world around her and emanating innocence.

While I will always have that hope that one day it will be Ben and I our kids, I strive not to let that shadow of longing block out the sun that is my current family. If you don’t take the time to enjoy what you have, you will never be happy because there will always be something that you wish for. When I think about my nieces it brings a smile to my face, and when I know I’m going to get to spend time with them I can hardly wait to get through my week.

“Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn’t stop to enjoy it”

          -William Feather

Miscarriage: Handling it for you or a friend

Miscarriages can be a touchy subject. Infertility is defined as being unable to get pregnant or carry a baby to term successfully, and some people have multiple miscarriages. Somehow they keep on going, which I don’t think I would be able to do. I have only had one and it was very early (5 weeks), but it was still terrible and I don’t know if I could handle more than one more miscarriage. It was horrible seeing all of our dreams realized with that home pregnancy test that said pregnant, and then a week later seeing our dreams literally (sorry if it’s TMI) flushed down the toilet.

There isn’t much you can say to someone who is going through a miscarriage. Even if you have been through it there isn’t much you can say to make someone feel better. The most you can do is just try to be there for someone hurting from a miscarriage like you would for someone hurting from anything else. Let your friend know that you want to be able to help in any way possible. That you are here to listen to them vent, to be a shoulder to cry on, or to offer support in any other way.

For those of you going through or having gone through a miscarriage, know that your friends probably don’t know what the best thing is to say or do, and that when someone says something that upsets you they most likely meant well. Also for early miscarriages: don’t let anyone tell you it wasn’t a real baby. Doctors may call it a chemical pregnancy, and if it helps you, great; but that didn’t make me feel any better. Don’t let anybody try to trivialize your pain by trying to make less of the pregnancy than it was.

I think I live in fear of having another miscarriage. I try not to think about it, but I am so worried I will have another one that if I am ever late for my period I rush to take a home test and get a blood test because I want to find out right away if there is anything I can do to make sure this one sticks. This is probably one of the reasons why I have put off actively trying for so long. We still haven’t been back to the doctor.

Husband of the Year

Ben and Niece Layla

I am so lucky to have my husband. He loves me so much and makes me laugh all the time. He also takes care of me when I need it, like when I am sick or hurt he waits on me hand and foot. I do the same for him, and he revels in it, but that’s why he returns the favor when I am benched on the couch, even though he has to force it on me.

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Last weekend I hurt my back so bad that on Saturday I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without debilitating pain. I couldn’t sleep Saturday night because there was only one position that I was remotely comfortable in, and it was not one that I could sleep in. I took a second bath Saturday night (really Sunday morning) and that helped me enough that I could finally lie down without wanting to cry. I laid down at the same time my husband was getting up for work, and he gave me a quick massage with some Tiger Balm for sore muscles. Finally I was in little enough pain that I could fall asleep. I only slept from 5-9:30, but that was better than nothing. I spent the rest of the morning in bed, getting up frequently, but only to go to the bathroom and get back in bed. I finally moved to the couch where I could get in a more comfortable position (I didn’t go earlier because it was warmer in the bedroom than the living room).

Ben after getting a hole in 1 at Glow Golf

The worst part of this – if you don’t count the crippling pain – is the fact that I’m only 26 but my back was making me feel like I was about 80. Ben wouldn’t let me get up to do anything for myself, which was hard for me because I don’t like to sit still, and I don’t want to dump all the work on him. Because he isn’t used to doing all the work and because he is forgetful I had to remind him about doing laundry and then about putting the clothes in the dryer. I got into this mess because I was cleaning. Saturday morning I cleaned the living room and I was sitting on the floor and when I stood up something happened to my back.

Ben at Disneyworld driving the Cart with no hands

It took a lot of rest and plenty of massages and Tiger Balm to get me to where I knew I could work on Monday, and if it weren’t for my awesome husband I would not have had such a swift recovery. He continued to massage me and let me rest by cooking dinner half the week, until by Thursday and Friday the only pain I had was first thing in the morning up until I got to my office, and then my muscles relaxed enough that I could spend the rest of my day not even thinking about my back.

At Disneyworld with my Nephew 
(who didn't want his pic taken)

Bottom line is that I am very lucky to have a man that loves me enough to rub me down with stinky Tiger Balm three times a day, cook dinner and do laundry and wait on me hand and foot so that I can get better. He didn’t even try for sex all week because he knew I was hurting.

PS: I also have to add - he just told me that he found the papers I had written my blog about abortion on and he started in the middle. The part he started on was the part about owning up to your mistakes (that was the top of one page). He said he freaked out because he thought this was like a Dear John letter or something. Gave me a good laugh. 

Christmas

My Christmas decorating is done! I love Christmas so much; it is my favorite time of the year. I love everything about Christmas, the Christmas music, the lights, the general merriment and the gift giving. I love receiving gifts, but I am the kind that just loves to give gifts, and I would do so much more than I should if I had any money. When I was a teenager I used to wrap the gifts I was giving my friends over and over again so that when they got through with one layer (after fighting with the massive amounts of tape I put on it) there would be another layer to go through. And another, and another. I still do that sometimes. And with my darling husband being such a snoop and liking to shake presents and feel them and try to guess what they are by their shape I have taken to disguising them by putting them all in boxes or other containers. One year I wrapped a few things separately and then put them into a popcorn container and wrapped that. So when he unwrapped it he thinks its popcorn, then he opened it up and has more unwrapping to do.

I put up a tree, garland around the doors, mistletoe, a wreath, and best of all, my Christmas Village. This village has been passed down from my grandma to my mom, and then I received it from my mom. When I was a kid I loved the village and I always helped put it up, and later on my mom would let me put it up on my own. There are so many buildings in this village it would cost quite a bit to replicate. It also has a skating pond that plugs in and has moving magnets moving skaters around the lake. Unfortunately I don’t quit have the room to set it all up. Last year I had to spread it around the living room, putting most in the main spot next to the tree and then putting down snow blankets on the end tables next to the couch and putting some there. This year I am short some snow blankets (must have tossed them last year) so I put them all in the main spot and just skipped the skating pond.Of course the instant I put up the village the cats invaded, and when I booted my Romeo off the sewing table so that I could set up the village he decided he was a Christmas gift and placed himself under the tree.

As much as I love Christmas if I think about it too much I get a little sad. While seeing my beautiful tree lit up and my village all beautifully arranged brings a smile to my face, sometimes it’s a sad smile when I think of how there are no kids around to share my love of Christmas with. No kids around to enjoy the magic and mystery of the moving skating pond, or the twinkling tree, or the angel topper whose wings fluidly change color minute by minute. No Christmas stories to tell, stockings to fill, or waking early Christmas morning in anticipation of the gifts and the fun and love the day will hold. 

Dogs and Love

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My dog is really special to me. I always thought I didn’t like dogs, but since we got her I think I’ve been converted to a dog person. I didn’t really think it was possible but she seems to truly love. When she looks at me I can see the love, trust, and adoration in her face and eyes. It’s really awesome, and I finally get the man’s best friend thing.

Cats are great. They are beautiful, intelligent, they do some adorable things, and they are self sufficient. My husband says they are like love camels. They can store up a bunch of love and then go for a long time without needing much from you. Since we feed our cats by leaving the door to the food storage container open (since my youngest cat Seven wouldn’t have it any other way) we can go on vacation for a week and just leave out some large water dishes for them while we are gone and they hardly know the difference. That right there is a pretty cool pet.

But, after feeling the love that emanates from my puppy (who’s not a puppy anymore); I can’t imagine living without a dog ever again. She is a pain for vacations, since we have to bring her along or find someone to come over several times a day to let her out and feed her. For example, for Thanksgiving this year she was the 13^th body at my mom’s. She was the only dog but that’s one dog and 12 people in a 2 bedroom apartment. Overnight there was one dog, one baby, 2 teens, 2 men, and 4 women spread out over two beds, a couch and various places on the floor. It was packed, and clearly adding a dog to the mix only makes things more complicated. To make matters worse my dog apparently HATES my sister and her fiancée. Luckily this is not the sister from Texas who stayed there the whole time, but the two times my other sister came by my dog growled and barked and really worried us. This is the sweetest, most scardy-cat dog I know, but when my sister and her fiancée walked in she acted like she was a drug dog and they were smuggling something.

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But even with the added complications and with making leaving for vacation a little more work we still love her to pieces. I can’t get enough of my dog, and even though I shouldn’t, I let her up on the couch with me once in awhile if I’m lying down while watching TV. I love her like a kid, because she is my furbaby, and sometimes our kids need to be a little spoiled

Miscarriage Memories

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Today something happened that brought back my memories of my miscarriage. It almost felt like I was going through it again, and it was so hard to keep on working through the tears that were filling my eyes.

I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant I told everybody. We called our parents, talked to friends and family, and then posted on Facebook. We were shocked because we were on a break from trying, at least 2 months after going off all fertility medicine. We talked all day long about names and I started looking into midwives and

birthing centers. We had even settled on a name for if it was a boy. I scoured my bookshelves and pulled out the dusty pregnancy books I had bought 2 and a half years earlier. I called and scheduled a blood test at my regular doctor (20 minutes from home versus the hour or more it takes to go to the fertility clinic). I took the home test Monday, and my doctor’s appointment was scheduled for Friday.

Friday we went to the doctor and I checked in, paid my copay, and got called back by the lady who takes all the lab work. Somehow the receptionist managed to schedule me for lab work (which is what I asked for) without letting me know that I had to see my doctor first who had to order the lab. I couldn’t just ask for some lab work (even basic stuff like a pregnancy test). I don’t know how the receptionist let me schedule the lab work without going through the doctor, but they did. The lab technician ended up talking to my regular doctor’s nurse who came to talk to me. My regular doctor wasn’t there so her nurse talked to the head doctor at the clinic, who decided he was going to order a regular urine test and not a blood test. At this point my husband and I are getting frustrated with the way this office was giving us the runaround. I didn’t need a urine test, because the test they do at the doctor is not that much different from the home pregnancy tests you do yourself. We didn’t argue though, we just agreed to do a urine test.

After I gave them my sample they had me go back out to the lobby and wait for them to do the test. The nurse came back out to the lobby to get me so I stood up and motioned for Ben to come back there with me. The nurse looked at him and said no you can sit down, like it was nothing. We assumed she just had to ask me another question or have me sign a paper or something… She took me back into the hallway and told me that the test came back negative. When asked she said she didn’t know why it came back negative when I had had a positive early in the week, but that I should call my fertility clinic. I had to walk back out into the lobby and tell Ben that the test was negative, IN THE LOBBY in front of everybody else there, bawling my eyes out so that he couldn’t even understand me.

When we left the doctor’s office we called the fertility clinic and they said that I could come in and get a blood test, no copay needed because my insurance covers all testing. In truth I should have started with the fertility clinic, because my regular doctor’s office requires a copay even if it’s just for lab work. The problem was I didn’t think about going there first because I wasn’t actively trying and they were not foremost in my mind. So we went in, got my blood test, and got out in just a few minutes. Right as I was pulling up in front of my house the doctor called and said that my tests came back and that I was pregnant, my HCG levels were normal, but my progesterone was too low. My progesterone was only 1.6, and they said it should have been about 20. They told me they were calling in a supplement for me and I went back out to the pharmacy right away to pick it up. I asked if the low progesterone could have been the cause for the negative pregnancy test, and they said no because the urine test checks for HCG levels and my HCG was normal. That means they probably had a dud that they used to tell me I wasn’t pregnant.

I started my progesterone, but on Saturday I started bleeding and cramping. I called the emergency number at the fertility clinic and they said that if the bleeding got heavy (which it did within the hour) then it meant that I was having a miscarriage and there was nothing I could do. I spent most of the day crying about it. I took my laptop up to bed and put myself on bed rest, stayed in bed most of the weekend. Unfortunately Ben has to work every weekend and he couldn’t be home with me most of the day, but he was really great during this. He listened to me and tried to comfort me, and I know this hurt him as much as it hurt me; he was so excited about this baby. He reminded me during this time that him and I get along so well that even if we can never have a baby we will be okay because we are so awesome, just the two of us. That is one thought that keeps me going through all our baby making problems, is that we are great even without a baby.

I was depressed for awhile after that. I had to go back to the doctor on Monday for another blood test. Monday afternoon they called me and said that that test was negative, my HCG was at 0, and I was definitely no longer pregnant. Some people call this kind of pregnancy a chemical pregnancy. I was pregnant and had the chemicals to show for it, but I didn’t have an ultrasound or hear a heartbeat or anything because it was over so quick. I think that people call it a chemical pregnancy in order to make themselves feel better or maybe doctors thought up the term to try to make us patients feel better. If it’s called a chemical pregnancy then maybe we won’t feel as much of a loss if the wording makes it sound like it wasn’t a real pregnancy. For me the loss was real. I have never called it a chemical pregnancy, only a miscarriage. However, I don’t put myself in the same category as women who have miscarriages after hearing the heartbeat or seeing the baby dancing on an ultrasound. For me this was almost as painful (emotionally) as I can imagine, but I know it is not in the same league as miscarriages even just a few weeks or a month further down the road. Eventually the pain faded and it is something that I don’t think about every day. I’m sad that the only positive pregnancy test I have ever seen ended so heartbreakingly, but initially I had retained some hope from the fact that it was possible for me to even get pregnant. Now two years later it is just a sad memory that gently surfaces on occasion. This is the first time that it has ever surfaced so forcefully, but I managed to survive this one without dissolving into a puddle of tears or curling into a ball under my desk. I blinked back a few tears and went on with my day, determined to go home and put my feelings into words. 

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