Being Rebellious

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I hate being told what to do. I don’t mind working and having a boss and being told what to do for payment. That’s why they pay you, because you do what they tell you to do. What I don’t like is telling myself what to do, or trying to do something that I HAVE to do when nobody is making me. I’m no good at dieting or exercise. Telling myself I can’t have something bad for me or I have to eat carrots today (instead of chips), or I have to walk around the block today is very difficult to get myself to actually do it (or not do it). I rebel against being told what to do. Like any self respecting 4 year old if you tell me I can’t have ice cream because it’s before dinner I only want it that much more!

The problem that arises from this odd rebelliousness is when trying to make a baby you HAVE to have sex every day or every other day for about 4 or 5 days around your fertile time. Without fail, every time that it’s the baby making time of the month I am less in the mood than any other time of the month. I DON’T WANNA and I have a heck of a time getting in the mood for the baby making process.

I’m wondering if part of the reasoning behind all this negativity is a defense mechanism. If I don’t do the baby-dance when I’m fertile [not that I'm sure I ever ovulate], then I can’t be surprised and depressed by my period showing up. Not that that works. Even when I don’t think I could be pregnant, if my period is late I still get hopeful. And besides, the one month I got pregnant it could have happened only on day 11 or day 19, which means that I ovulated either early or late that month, so even when I don’t have sex during days 12-16 it could still happen. As a defense mechanism it is pretty pathetic. I don’t know what to do about this or how to change my patterns and get in the mood for this process.

Dogs and Love

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My dog is really special to me. I always thought I didn’t like dogs, but since we got her I think I’ve been converted to a dog person. I didn’t really think it was possible but she seems to truly love. When she looks at me I can see the love, trust, and adoration in her face and eyes. It’s really awesome, and I finally get the man’s best friend thing.

Cats are great. They are beautiful, intelligent, they do some adorable things, and they are self sufficient. My husband says they are like love camels. They can store up a bunch of love and then go for a long time without needing much from you. Since we feed our cats by leaving the door to the food storage container open (since my youngest cat Seven wouldn’t have it any other way) we can go on vacation for a week and just leave out some large water dishes for them while we are gone and they hardly know the difference. That right there is a pretty cool pet.

But, after feeling the love that emanates from my puppy (who’s not a puppy anymore); I can’t imagine living without a dog ever again. She is a pain for vacations, since we have to bring her along or find someone to come over several times a day to let her out and feed her. For example, for Thanksgiving this year she was the 13^th body at my mom’s. She was the only dog but that’s one dog and 12 people in a 2 bedroom apartment. Overnight there was one dog, one baby, 2 teens, 2 men, and 4 women spread out over two beds, a couch and various places on the floor. It was packed, and clearly adding a dog to the mix only makes things more complicated. To make matters worse my dog apparently HATES my sister and her fiancée. Luckily this is not the sister from Texas who stayed there the whole time, but the two times my other sister came by my dog growled and barked and really worried us. This is the sweetest, most scardy-cat dog I know, but when my sister and her fiancée walked in she acted like she was a drug dog and they were smuggling something.

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But even with the added complications and with making leaving for vacation a little more work we still love her to pieces. I can’t get enough of my dog, and even though I shouldn’t, I let her up on the couch with me once in awhile if I’m lying down while watching TV. I love her like a kid, because she is my furbaby, and sometimes our kids need to be a little spoiled

Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving is around the corner, and mine is going to be great! I get to go visit my mom, my husband will be there, my stepson, both of my sisters, both of my nieces, my brother-in-law and his little brother, my soon to be brother-in-law, and my aunt and uncle.

Layla

My nieces are the light of my life. They are so beautiful and awesome I just can’t get enough of them. Unfortunately one of my sisters lives in Texas, and like the mean lady she is she keeps her daughter all the way down there with her. My other sister lives near my mom on the other side of Tennessee from me, so I get to see her and her daughter a little more often, but not nearly often enough. Layla is 2 and a half years old and has so much energy. The last time I went to see her I was sitting on the floor and she would run across the living room and jump into my arms, and then run away and do it all over again. At one point she was standing next to me and suddenly just jumped into my arms, luckily I was quick enough to catch her; she just jumped with full confidence in her invincibility and my capability of catching her.

Gabby and daddy - John

My other niece is Gabby almost 2 years old, and I’ve only seen her twice (plus seen her through video chat once). She is also beautiful and does some really cute stuff, but because I haven’t been around her as much I don’t have any stories of my own about her.

It is an extremely rare occasion when the whole family gets together. It hasn’t happened that all three girls with families have been together in over 4 years since we all moved away from Michigan. Both my husband and I love being around kids, so this holiday will be a wonderful one, though it will probably leave us wanting a baby that much more by the time Sunday rolls around. Maybe that will be a good motivator and conversation starter to start thinking about getting this process started again. 

Layla and Ben (My husband)

Maybe I Won't Give Up

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I’ve been wanting to give up for a long time. That doesn’t mean I don’t still want a baby. I still want to have a baby, and my hopes still build slightly as the end of the month nears. If my period was late the hope builds exponentially greater each day, and sometimes my mood plummets drastically after a negative test and my period finally showing up.

But today I read the most uplifting blog: Sweetness and Me: We're Baaaacccckkkk. It was about a couple who finally adopted after two years of trying. The joy emanating from the words I read was palpable, and it nearly brought tears to my eyes. She is so happy and it makes all the stress and pain and tears they experienced completely worth it. I want that.

I don’t think adoption is for me, because I can’t afford it, and I wouldn’t want to go through all the home visits and all that comes along with applying to adopt. But at this point I might consider surrogacy if I could afford it. I haven’t wanted to do that before either, (like when my sister half offered),  because it can still be a complicated process, and I always thought I would have a big problem with someone having a drink with caffeine while carrying my baby, or having drugs during labor.

But after seeing this woman’s joy through her words at having her baby none of that seems to matter. I’m sure the birth mom didn’t do everything exactly the way the adoptive mom would have, and she had to have a c-section which is also not ideal, but it doesn’t matter. She has a baby now, and she is happy. That’s what matters.

I still want a baby, I do not want to give up, but I just don’t see being able to afford the procedures, or to pay for surrogacy… I have such conflicting feelings right now. It feels good to finally have the drive to try again. But that brings along fears and sadness. If we start actively trying again then I am opening myself up to a lot more hope and a lot more letdowns. I’m afraid to make myself vulnerable again. Writing this and feeling that vulnerability is bringing real tears to my eyes now. I think I need some encouragement. 

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Foster Care - Have We Considered It?

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So my husband brought up the topic of foster care the other day. We were talking about the need for me to go back to the fertility clinic and our plans to get all the tests done to find out our chances of getting pregnant naturally, and the fact that it could come back that the chance of getting pregnant naturally is very, very low. I think I could handle that. I wouldn’t like it, but being able to know something definite would allow us to start accepting it and getting on with our lives. And I’m to a point now where I just want some answers, good or bad.

I don’t think I would like doing foster care. I wouldn’t be able to handle having to send the kids back to their parents that they were taken away from. Even if the kids weren’t going back to their parents a lot of times they go to grandparents or somebody, who we can’t really know are much better than the parents. Even being sure that kids were going back to an awesome home that is terrific for them would be so hard. I want a baby that I can love. Any child I bring into my house would be loved and cared for, and bringing a baby into my house and falling in love with her, and then giving her away to parents or grandparents or somebody else would hurt too much.

My husband is not ready to give up his dream of having a baby with me, and he feels that that dream can be realized to some degree with foster care. I don’t want to give up either, but I’m so tired of trying and caring and hoping and hurting. Counting days and reading so much into each sign and symptom at the end of my month is getting old. I don’t think it should be this much work to have a baby, and I don’t think that foster care would realize that dream.

I just feel like it’s time to start my life. It’s time just to have a baby and start my life as a mother, or not have one and start my life as a childfree woman. Foster children would feel like another holding pattern, constantly waiting for the day when they have to leave.

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I told him it’s something we can discuss again after we get some answers from the doctor. I may feel completely different about foster care if I find out I can’t have a baby naturally. But right now while fertility hope is still hanging around I don’t think it is something that’s right for me. 

To Test or Not To Test?

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So I had another negative test yesterday. Having suffered through a miscarriage and having to live with the knowledge that I may have been able to prevent it if I got to the doctor soon enough does not allow me to take a relaxed look at AF (Aunt Flo) coming late. Unfortunately I am not extremely regular so there are many months that I am a few days late. My choice once I am a few days late is to just sit around and wait and see if it shows up, or take a home pregnancy test.

If I take a test I risk wasting the money on a test and wasting some hopes on the fact that it might come up positive when it always comes up negative. If I wait around for AF to show up I take the risk that I am by some miracle pregnant and then losing it because I waited too long and didn’t get the tests done to tell me that I needed to start some supplements. Also each day of waiting around for it to show up only raises my hopes. Taking a test and having it come up negative is one way to dash those hopes early before they become harmful.

I can usually hold off on testing when I am just one day late. This month by the time I got to being a full 2 days late I went out and bought a test with the intention of testing in the morning on the 3^rd day if I still saw no signs of starting. My caring husband was worried about me taking the test and having it come up negative and push me off the edge into a depression. When I explained to him about wanting to know right away only so that I could get the necessary tests I needed that might help me keep it he understood and agreed with me. I also explain that the hopes are there and whether the no comes from AF showing up or from a negative test it still hurts. The only difference is it takes longer to get a no (with more time for hopes to build) if I wait around for AF.

The other problem that arises here is that a negative Home Pregnancy Test does not mean a definitive no and neither does spotting. I had both implantation spotting and a negative pregnancy test at some point during the few short days when I was pregnant, and I was definitely pregnant through both of those signs. So even after taking one test I can’t be sure, though it does get me through a few more days. After a few more days with no sign of AF showing up I may take another test. “I may have ovulated late, meaning that I could have got pregnant later than usual and the pregnancy hormone might show up on a home test in a few days.” See how fertility hope won’t leave me alone? There is a way to explain every symptom and negative pregnancy test, building up false hope until it’s been stacked too high and everything tumbles at the first definitive sign.

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Friendship

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I’ve never been one who needs her alone time or gets annoyed after too much time around people. However, in what might be a grand contradiction I don’t like lots of noise and bustle and I hate crowds, but I love being around people. I’m too nervous and scared for new things which includes meeting people at a new job or at a party, but if I’m meeting somebody on my own turf I’m comfortable enough. That makes it hard to meet new people and make friends.

Because of my absolute lack of need for alone time I don’t quite get it when others need alone time. That was one of the things that my husband and I had to fight through a couple times before we could figure out that he needed it and I didn’t. This meant that he needed to talk to me and let me know when he was getting to a place where he needed to be alone for awhile, and I needed to realize that he needed it and to be more sensitive to the signals that he might be ready for me to give him some space. After our first fight or two related to this we got the hang of it and we don’t fight about this anymore.  But not fighting about it doesn’t mean that I understand it. I know when to give him space and he knows when to ask for it, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy it. So take now when he is away for training this week. I joke that I’m glad for a break but him not being here isn’t really a break, it’s a week of boring and lonely.

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One of the reasons I have always been just fine with having roommates living with us is my non-need for alone time. When I first met Ben he had some roommates and since then we have had roommates off and on. At one time right before we got married we had my sister and two of his brothers living with us in a 3 bedroom trailer. And I never minded it; I kinda like having a roommate around.

 This is also why I like Facebook. I can have interaction with some people even when they don’t live near, and I can also meet people that have things in common with me. I have found a few terrific supportive infertility groups on Facebook that lets me interact with people that understand what we’re going through. These groups and pages share relative blogs and articles, and are great places to get advice on a whole range of infertility problems, from medical questions to how to deal with hurtful comments and insensitive people. Infertility Awareness is one terrific one as is Faith ‘n’ Fertility; both are great pages for people dealing with infertility. They are also great for people who know and care for someone dealing with infertility, because they share blogs and articles that can help you understand a little better what we are going through, and give you some advice on some things to say and not to say. So check out these Facebook pages if you or someone you know suffers from infertility.

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