Miscarriage: Handling it for you or a friend

Miscarriages can be a touchy subject. Infertility is defined as being unable to get pregnant or carry a baby to term successfully, and some people have multiple miscarriages. Somehow they keep on going, which I don’t think I would be able to do. I have only had one and it was very early (5 weeks), but it was still terrible and I don’t know if I could handle more than one more miscarriage. It was horrible seeing all of our dreams realized with that home pregnancy test that said pregnant, and then a week later seeing our dreams literally (sorry if it’s TMI) flushed down the toilet.

There isn’t much you can say to someone who is going through a miscarriage. Even if you have been through it there isn’t much you can say to make someone feel better. The most you can do is just try to be there for someone hurting from a miscarriage like you would for someone hurting from anything else. Let your friend know that you want to be able to help in any way possible. That you are here to listen to them vent, to be a shoulder to cry on, or to offer support in any other way.

For those of you going through or having gone through a miscarriage, know that your friends probably don’t know what the best thing is to say or do, and that when someone says something that upsets you they most likely meant well. Also for early miscarriages: don’t let anyone tell you it wasn’t a real baby. Doctors may call it a chemical pregnancy, and if it helps you, great; but that didn’t make me feel any better. Don’t let anybody try to trivialize your pain by trying to make less of the pregnancy than it was.

I think I live in fear of having another miscarriage. I try not to think about it, but I am so worried I will have another one that if I am ever late for my period I rush to take a home test and get a blood test because I want to find out right away if there is anything I can do to make sure this one sticks. This is probably one of the reasons why I have put off actively trying for so long. We still haven’t been back to the doctor.

Husband of the Year

Ben and Niece Layla

I am so lucky to have my husband. He loves me so much and makes me laugh all the time. He also takes care of me when I need it, like when I am sick or hurt he waits on me hand and foot. I do the same for him, and he revels in it, but that’s why he returns the favor when I am benched on the couch, even though he has to force it on me.

Ben and Dharma - See more of my pics

Last weekend I hurt my back so bad that on Saturday I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without debilitating pain. I couldn’t sleep Saturday night because there was only one position that I was remotely comfortable in, and it was not one that I could sleep in. I took a second bath Saturday night (really Sunday morning) and that helped me enough that I could finally lie down without wanting to cry. I laid down at the same time my husband was getting up for work, and he gave me a quick massage with some Tiger Balm for sore muscles. Finally I was in little enough pain that I could fall asleep. I only slept from 5-9:30, but that was better than nothing. I spent the rest of the morning in bed, getting up frequently, but only to go to the bathroom and get back in bed. I finally moved to the couch where I could get in a more comfortable position (I didn’t go earlier because it was warmer in the bedroom than the living room).

Ben after getting a hole in 1 at Glow Golf

The worst part of this – if you don’t count the crippling pain – is the fact that I’m only 26 but my back was making me feel like I was about 80. Ben wouldn’t let me get up to do anything for myself, which was hard for me because I don’t like to sit still, and I don’t want to dump all the work on him. Because he isn’t used to doing all the work and because he is forgetful I had to remind him about doing laundry and then about putting the clothes in the dryer. I got into this mess because I was cleaning. Saturday morning I cleaned the living room and I was sitting on the floor and when I stood up something happened to my back.

Ben at Disneyworld driving the Cart with no hands

It took a lot of rest and plenty of massages and Tiger Balm to get me to where I knew I could work on Monday, and if it weren’t for my awesome husband I would not have had such a swift recovery. He continued to massage me and let me rest by cooking dinner half the week, until by Thursday and Friday the only pain I had was first thing in the morning up until I got to my office, and then my muscles relaxed enough that I could spend the rest of my day not even thinking about my back.

At Disneyworld with my Nephew 
(who didn't want his pic taken)

Bottom line is that I am very lucky to have a man that loves me enough to rub me down with stinky Tiger Balm three times a day, cook dinner and do laundry and wait on me hand and foot so that I can get better. He didn’t even try for sex all week because he knew I was hurting.

PS: I also have to add - he just told me that he found the papers I had written my blog about abortion on and he started in the middle. The part he started on was the part about owning up to your mistakes (that was the top of one page). He said he freaked out because he thought this was like a Dear John letter or something. Gave me a good laugh. 

Pro-Life Discussions

Storie Kae - Click her to see more photos

Last night I saw a disturbing photo and story on Facebook. It wasn’t the picture that bothered me as much as the story that went along with it. The picture, hopefully without going into too much detail was of a baby that had been aborted later in the pregnancy, around 6 months if the accompanying story is to be believed. The story was a first person dialog of the baby saying something to mommy each month. It would say I am so many months old, and include a fact about the baby’s growth, and then baby says how much he loves mommy. Each month there would be more first person dialog with another fact and more of baby talking to mommy. It goes up to 6 months, and talks about how mommy went to the doctor and the doctor “told you I’m not a baby”, and ended with the baby being in heaven and asking mommy why didn’t you want me?

Layla Skye

This doesn’t offend me because I am pro-choice, because I’m 100% pro-life. this doesn’t offend me because I think the picture is too graphic, because I think that if we as a society think that it is acceptable to do this to babies, we as a society should be able to stomach the pictures. This offends me because it is intentionally inflammatory and excessively plays on the emotions and the point seems to be to hurt mothers who have had or ever thought of having an abortion.

Click here to see more of my photos

As a pro-lifer I believe that there is no legitimate reason to have an abortion. I don’t agree with abortion because of rape or incest, or a high number of multiples from fertility treatment, or because the doctors say he is going to have a disability or won’t live past a year (or two months or a week). The only reason I can see being a real reason is if the mother is legitimately in life threatening danger from the pregnancy.

Layla Skye

My battle with infertility is not what drove me to this belief. I have always been pro-life, and would choose this topic sometimes for persuasive papers, and would argue my point with anybody who wanted to argue with me. The truth is that you can always give a baby up for adoption. I know that carrying that baby for nine months can make it hard to give it up, but the majority of the time it was your choice to have sex and take the chance (and 100% of the time it is not the baby’s fault). Therefore people should own up to their mistakes and be responsible enough to do the right thing, even if it’s not the easy thing. My battle with infertility certainly has an effect on how I feel now, but my pro-life inclinations have not changed.

Storie Kae - Click here to see more of my photos

However, this story is over the top. While I believe that a baby is a real person from the moment of conception, I don’t believe that a baby has the cognitive ability to think formed thoughts and love and feel rejected. Also, without getting into a theological debate, I, as a Seventh Day Adventist, believe that when we die we do not go straight to heaven but instead stay ‘sleeping’ until the second coming of Christ. So I also don’t believe that aborted babies, nor miscarried babies are in heaven, but I do believe we will meet them in heaven. Bottom line this story meant to play on the emotions of women is inappropriate and is nearly as detrimental to the pro-life cause as protestors who tightrope on the line between peaceful protesting and criminal behavior, and those who ignore it completely.

Gabrielle Sarah

The fact is that late term abortions are very rare, and I’m not even sure how legal they are. And a baby, aborted at any stage, is not thinking “Why Mommy?” This doesn’t make abortion any more right in my mind, but it’s misguided to act as though every abortion is a late abortion and that the babies are aware of what is happening and thinking “How could Mommy do this to me? I love her so much.”

Layla Skye

This was not my attempt to start a debate, neither to offend any pro-choicers nor any pro-lifers who think this tactic is necessary and acceptable. Everybody has to decide for themselves what is right, and then do it, because everybody has to answer to God, not to each other. This is just one of the things I feel strongly about, and had to get off my chest. 

Storie Kae - See more of my photos