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I hate being told what to do. I don’t mind working and having a boss and being told what to do for payment. That’s why they pay you, because you do what they tell you to do. What I don’t like is telling myself what to do, or trying to do something that I HAVE to do when nobody is making me. I’m no good at dieting or exercise. Telling myself I can’t have something bad for me or I have to eat carrots today (instead of chips), or I have to walk around the block today is very difficult to get myself to actually do it (or not do it). I rebel against being told what to do. Like any self respecting 4 year old if you tell me I can’t have ice cream because it’s before dinner I only want it that much more!
The problem that arises from this odd rebelliousness is when trying to make a baby you HAVE to have sex every day or every other day for about 4 or 5 days around your fertile time. Without fail, every time that it’s the baby making time of the month I am less in the mood than any other time of the month. I DON’T WANNA and I have a heck of a time getting in the mood for the baby making process.
I’m wondering if part of the reasoning behind all this negativity is a defense mechanism. If I don’t do the baby-dance when I’m fertile [not that I'm sure I ever ovulate], then I can’t be surprised and depressed by my period showing up. Not that that works. Even when I don’t think I could be pregnant, if my period is late I still get hopeful. And besides, the one month I got pregnant it could have happened only on day 11 or day 19, which means that I ovulated either early or late that month, so even when I don’t have sex during days 12-16 it could still happen. As a defense mechanism it is pretty pathetic. I don’t know what to do about this or how to change my patterns and get in the mood for this process.