About Me

My photo
I'm a 29 year old self identifying hippie and amateur photographer. I've been married since Summer 2006, and we started trying to get pregnant the summer of 2007, I have 2 cats and a dog, and I work as a secretary in a prison. This blog is about my battle with infertility and life, love, faith and happiness in the face of infertility. All pictures in the collage and those that I post in my entries were taken by me, unless otherwise stated (or if they are of me of course). Come visit my photography page to see more of my work here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hannah-Love-Chandlers-Photography/282550090053

Friday, November 9, 2012

Christmas Memories

Christmas Memories

The songs, the garland, the decked out trees,
Bring back happy Christmas memories
Like the annual Christmas tree search
And playing an angel in the pageant at church

Singing carols from door to door
Until our noses are rosy and sore
Braving the cold for every exploit
Warm mugs of cocoa to end the night

Turkey dinner at grandma’s with uncles and aunts
The sight of so much good food makes tight our pants

The glittering lights, ornaments, tinsel and gifts
Step in the house and the spirit lifts
Home always filled with the scent of pine
But first and foremost in this memory of mine
Was the outpouring of love and joy making this season fine

So if I jump into Christmas too soon for your taste
And it seems I am making far too much haste
Remember my goal: to rediscover that feeling
The happy family, love, joy and peace so appealing

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Think Again

Think Again
See more photos

For some reason I foolishly thought that since God was leading us to stop trying, that I would instantly be at peace and it would be that easy. I forgot that often god doesn’t call you to do something easy. This became very clear to me a week ago at a women’s retreat. As I’ve said, my prayer is for a baby, but especially for peace. One of the services at the retreat started out with asking a few women what their number one request for God is. My mind would tell you (as it did a couple weeks ago) that I know having a baby would achieve peace, in this part of my life, so the end result is my ultimate goal.
See more flowers

This is all very logical and makes perfect sense. However when I asked myself this question my heart didn’t let my mind get a word in edgewise. I want a baby. A baby would be my one request for God if my heart had anything to do with it. This surprised me, though it really shouldn’t have. All of a sudden I was crying- which of course is not even close to the peace I am seeking. We were asked to turn to our neighbor and share our one request, and then pray for each other’s requests. My neighbor was my mom (who fought infertility for 10 years).  She asked me what my request was (knowing the answer, and knowing we are not currently trying). For a moment my mind and my heart argued. My mind wants peace. My heart doesn’t care so much about peace; it wants to be a mommy. My heart quickly won and through my tears and in a breaking voice I shared my heart-truth with my mom. She cried with me and prayed with me. The rest of the day I prayed and soul searched. It didn’t appear that my decision to stop trying brought me the peace that my head is looking for. In fact I haven’t cried so hard for my infertility problems since my miscarriage.
See more flowers

So now I’ve realized that while I still believe God is calling us to stop trying, that this is, of course, not a simple one step path to happiness. I’m more committed to staying away from preventative measures than I was, and I am daily praying for peace and also for relief of this yearning. My desired outcome is to be in a place where I can accept God’s path for my life, that I can be content with my life as a wife and a stepmom and an aunt, for as long as my life is such. A place where I will be thrilled if I ever get my chance to be a mom, however that chance might come, but that I will also be thrilled with my life as it is right now.
This was our forgiveness ceremony, we wrote down something on a special piece of paper that we needed forgiveness for, and then dissolved that paper in some water, and then threw white rose petals in the river. It was beautiful.

This means daily prayer for that mindset. I don’t know why I thought we could just decide to stop trying, make it official by putting it in the blog, and then I would have peace. This is a process. I do know that my emotions cannot be allowed to control my life. Decisions are not to be made based on how you feel during any given fleeting moment. This doesn’t mean my emotions are wrong, never to be trusted, or my feelings aren’t valid, just that when I have a heart moment that says “I want to be mom, who cares about peace” that I have to remember that the heart is fickle, and a not super smart. Do I always feel head over heels in love with my husband? I wish! It’d be awesome if I did, but no married couple feels in love every moment of every day. You choose to love your spouse with the logic side of you, even when your heart wants you to storm off during an argument and never come back. Your mind tells you to love and support your husband even when he is farting and making a mess.
See more flowers

So is this decision to stop trying going to make my life easy and fun? Not right away, but I’m praying daily for the peace that I know God wants to give me. Please pray with us as we continue down this path that I just realized isn’t as smooth and beautiful as I expected, but which I still believe is the path that God is leading us to take. 
See more of my photos

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


The first sentence of my last post can be taken wrongly. Especially if you read only the first sentence, and especially if what you know about me personally is taken mostly from what I post on Facebook, for example, if you know me through a friend.  So I’m going to dissect that first sentence so maybe it can be better understood. I do ask that if you read only the first sentence, please read it all the way through, because that first sentence is not the point of the post.

The sentence in question: When I try to look to the future I can’t see us in a place other than where the bills are piling up, sex is a chore, and I’ve got baby on the brain.

Part one: the bills are piling up. This is not to say that we are flat broke, that we don’t have any money, or that we can’t afford to pay our bills. This is just saying that with doctor visits and the way the economy is, we aren’t rolling in the dough.

Part two: sex is a chore. I love my husband; I enjoy sex with my husband. But when sex has to be scheduled, when it is required and must be done on a certain day, at a certain time, it becomes a chore. Not just for me, but for him too. This doesn’t mean we never have sex for fun, but when we are having sex just because it is the right time of the month and not just because we are in the mood, that makes it a chore. This sentiment is common for people who have been trying to get pregnant for several years. But, it doesn’t mean that we only think of sex as a chore.

Part three: I’ve got baby on the brain. This is not me saying that I only think of having a baby every minute of every day. Again, when most of what you know about me personally is via this blog, it’s likely that it appears that I do nothing but obsess over trying to get pregnant or the fact that I can’t. This is absolutely not true. I wish I could have a baby. But it doesn’t enter my every waking thought.

That sentence was supposed to be just a little glimpse into the thoughts that a lot of infertile couples have to struggle with. These aren’t thoughts that we have all the time, but they do cross our minds.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

The Future

See More of My Photography
When I try to look to the future I can’t see us in a place other than where the bills are piling up, sex is a chore, and I’ve got baby on the brain. That is not a bright future. Lately I’ve been praying a lot for peace, at least as much for peace as for a baby. I think having a baby is one way to have peace, but I would be happy if I could have peace another way too. I can have peace living my life child free, if I’m not always waiting for the waiting to be over and my life as a mom to begin.

So in my praying and seeking started to feel God nudging me towards a new path. It’s a subtle feeling (I sure wish God would come out and talk to me like He did Sara and Abraham) but subtle it may be, I feel the nudge to step on the TTC (trying to conceive) rollercoaster and start down what I hope will be a peaceful path side by side with God and my husband.

So I sat down with my dear husband to tell him about what I think God is guiding us to do. At this point I think my husband is mostly along for the ride for my sake. It’s not that he doesn’t want to have a baby with me, but he is content to just let it run its course. For him it’s not so much a roller coaster as a plane ride. There might be some turbulence around the way, but it doesn’t ruffle his feathers like it does mine.

His request for our change in plans is that I don’t start preventing right away, which we are in agreement on. I won’t prevent for at least a few months, but I’m afraid I won’t be truly off the roller coaster until chances of my period being late due to pregnancy are nearly nonexistent. To save myself the monthly heartache we may have to stop the whole ride. But I’m willing to give not trying/not preventing another chance (we did it once, got pregnant and then I had an early miscarriage.) we talked about adoption, and I told him I was willing to look at it with an open mind if he wants to do some research. Adoption is never something I’ve been crazy about, but I’m less closed off to it than I used to be.

Does this mean I don’t want a baby? That I won’t be sad anymore? That another person’s baby news will never again rub me the wrong way? Would I turn away someone who wanted me to adopt their baby? Of course not, the rollercoaster just needs to stop. What if this isn’t from God? What if by stopping, or worse, preventing, I am throwing a wrench in God’s plan for my life? I trust that God can get through any barrier I throw in His way; if He decides I’m gonna have a baby. Maybe He will bring a birth mother to me at exactly the right time, and we all know birth control is not 100% effective. And, God may be nudging me to stop only temporarily. Whatever the obstacle, God can overcome it if He wants. But whatever He decides to do or not do, I will trust and praise Him. In the paraphrased words of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, “The God I worship can save me from a life of stress and misery being childless, but even if He doesn’t, I will still praise Him and do the right thing.”

The God we worship can save us from you and your flaming furnace.  But even if he doesn’t, we still won’t worship your gods and the gold statue you have set up.” Daniel 3:17-18

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Rachel and Leah

See more of my garden

Rachel and Leah
 It’s hard being an infertile in this world. Happy news of friend’s pregnancies is hard to hear and hard to be happy about. It doesn’t mean you wish harm on your best friend that gets pregnant every time her husband looks at her funny; it’s just that you wish that you could also feel some pregnancy joy firsthand. 
See more of my photography

Aren’t you glad that you aren’t Rachel, Jacob’s wife? In Genesis there are several stories of infertility, but I’d have to say that I think Rachel’s is the worst. Yes Sara was nearly 100 before she had a kid, but God promised her she would have a baby. She just had to wait patiently. Rachel had no such promise. On top of it, her husband was married to her sister also. And because Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah, God gave Leah babies, and denied them to Rachel. How would you like to feel like you were being punished because you were too beautiful and your husband loved you so much? It’s not your fault that he loves you more. It’s not his fault either, because he only wanted to marry you, but your father tricked him into marrying your sister first. Rachel had to watch her sister have 6 babies with her own husband, her maid have 2 babies with her husband, and her sister’s maid to have 2 babies with her husband, before she could experience pregnancy joy first hand! I had a hard time with it when my sisters got pregnant. But I thank God that I don’t live in an era where my sisters were married to my husband and having his children!
See more of my photography

God eventually blessed Rachel with a baby of her own. And that child grew up to be the second most powerful man in Egypt. He saved so many people in Egypt and the surrounding areas. Remember that God knows what He is doing. Even if His plan does not include giving you a child, you can be confident that He has good intentions towards you. And remember, be thankful that your husband doesn’t have other wives who are giving him children while you have to sit on the sidelines and watch.

See more of my photos
Jeremiah 29:11 I know the plans I have in mind for you, declares the Lord; they are plans for peace, not disaster, to give you a future filled with hope.