Infertility is hard on a marriage. Some
marriages do not survive the battle with infertility. Every person goes into
life with a different idea of how their life must turn out in order to be happy.
Unfortunately, some people can’t accept that what they envisioned and what will
be aren’t going to match up, and they put their dreams for a child above their
spouse’s feelings. What do you do when you get married and you and your husband
both want to work for a few years and then start a family, but then it doesn’t
go as planned? Some people are willing to go to any length to achieve their
dream. Some people sell their car or get second mortgages in order to pay for
treatment. Some change their entire eating habits, and their lifestyle.
This is okay when both parties are in full
agreement. But what if you want to take out a loan to pay for treatment but
your husband doesn’t want to? It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want a baby, it might
just mean that he doesn’t want to risk a bunch of money on something with low
success rates. Personally I would be terrified to drop $20,000 on In Vitro
Fertilization (not that I ever would have that much), because I know so many
stories of treatment that failed, 1, 2, 3 or more times.
So if your life plan includes a baby, and you
will go to any length to achieve that dream, but your husband won’t, what do
you do? Do you get divorced? Is the chance of having a baby more important to
you than your husband who you agreed to love and cherish til death do you
part? Your vows probably didn’t include the phrase: ‘Til death do us part-
unless I want a baby and he won’t sacrifice everything to make it happen’. They
said for better or worse, for richer or poorer, til death do us part. I
know divorce is a common thing these days, and I know that when people get
married they don’t plan on it being shattered by divorce, but divorce shouldn’t
be an option except in extreme cases, like infidelity or abuse.
Last week I wrote about giving up. The kind
of giving up I was referring to is giving up the struggle and trusting God. You
have to do this with your relationship too. You must give this struggle to God
and pray for His guidance in your marriage. You alone cannot fix your
relationship, no more than you can will your infertility away.
So say you want a baby and don’t think you
can be happy without one. If your husband doesn’t agree to take the same steps as
you want, it doesn’t mean you give up or go find someone who will. There is
a chance that you may never have a baby. You have to be able to be happy
with your life before a baby enters it, in case the worst happens and you never
become a mom. You have to look at your husband and decide that you can love him
for the rest of your life even if you don’t see a dad when you look at him. Love
is not conditional. Love should not be given and taken according to life
circumstances. Love is a choice. You choose to love your spouse for the rest of
your life because that is what you promised to do.
This doesn’t mean that divorce never happens.
You can’t make decisions for both of you and nobody is telling you to put up
with being verbally or physically abused.
What does Jesus say?
Matthew
19:6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore
what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
