About Me

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I'm a 29 year old self identifying hippie and amateur photographer. I've been married since Summer 2006, and we started trying to get pregnant the summer of 2007, I have 2 cats and a dog, and I work as a secretary in a prison. This blog is about my battle with infertility and life, love, faith and happiness in the face of infertility. All pictures in the collage and those that I post in my entries were taken by me, unless otherwise stated (or if they are of me of course). Come visit my photography page to see more of my work here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hannah-Love-Chandlers-Photography/282550090053

Thursday, May 31, 2012


 Perfect love is wonderful and healing
But is not based on only a feeling
Real love is a choice made every day
Not just when you feel that way
The flutter in your heart and electric sparks
When your love’s smile lights up the dark
Though enticing and greatly desired
Are side effects, but not required

What if Jesus didn’t feel so in love
And decided to pass on His mission from above
Skipped the pain, the tears and the broken heart
Since we were unworthy of Him from the start?
Imagine how terrible would be our loss
If our Savior decided to put off the cross
So do as Jesus has always done
Love your neighbors and everyone
And love your spouse as Jesus loves you
And sit back and see what love can do

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Dream, Hope, Pray

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To have a baby is my dream
I don’t need riches or cars that gleam
Boy or girl it doesn’t matter
I just want to hear the pitter-patter
Of excited feet on Christmas Day
And laughter of children hard at play
I want to dress him up as a bear so cute
Or take him to church in a tiny suit
I hope to dress her in something frilly
And chase her around making faces silly
I hope, I want, I dream, each day
And I know that Jesus hears me pray
Whether yes or no, or not just yet,
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He always answers and knows what’s best

Friday, May 18, 2012

Marriage and Divorce

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Infertility is hard on a marriage. Some marriages do not survive the battle with infertility. Every person goes into life with a different idea of how their life must turn out in order to be happy. Unfortunately, some people can’t accept that what they envisioned and what will be aren’t going to match up, and they put their dreams for a child above their spouse’s feelings. What do you do when you get married and you and your husband both want to work for a few years and then start a family, but then it doesn’t go as planned? Some people are willing to go to any length to achieve their dream. Some people sell their car or get second mortgages in order to pay for treatment. Some change their entire eating habits, and their lifestyle.

This is okay when both parties are in full agreement. But what if you want to take out a loan to pay for treatment but your husband doesn’t want to? It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want a baby, it might just mean that he doesn’t want to risk a bunch of money on something with low success rates. Personally I would be terrified to drop $20,000 on In Vitro Fertilization (not that I ever would have that much), because I know so many stories of treatment that failed, 1, 2, 3 or more times.

So if your life plan includes a baby, and you will go to any length to achieve that dream, but your husband won’t, what do you do? Do you get divorced? Is the chance of having a baby more important to you than your husband who you agreed to love and cherish til death do you part? Your vows probably didn’t include the phrase: ‘Til death do us part- unless I want a baby and he won’t sacrifice everything to make it happen’. They said for better or worse, for richer or poorer, til death do us part. I know divorce is a common thing these days, and I know that when people get married they don’t plan on it being shattered by divorce, but divorce shouldn’t be an option except in extreme cases, like infidelity or abuse.

Last week I wrote about giving up. The kind of giving up I was referring to is giving up the struggle and trusting God. You have to do this with your relationship too. You must give this struggle to God and pray for His guidance in your marriage. You alone cannot fix your relationship, no more than you can will your infertility away.

So say you want a baby and don’t think you can be happy without one. If your husband doesn’t agree to take the same steps as you want, it doesn’t mean you give up or go find someone who will. There is a chance that you may never have a baby. You have to be able to be happy with your life before a baby enters it, in case the worst happens and you never become a mom. You have to look at your husband and decide that you can love him for the rest of your life even if you don’t see a dad when you look at him. Love is not conditional. Love should not be given and taken according to life circumstances. Love is a choice. You choose to love your spouse for the rest of your life because that is what you promised to do.

This doesn’t mean that divorce never happens. You can’t make decisions for both of you and nobody is telling you to put up with being verbally or physically abused. 
What does Jesus say?

Matthew 19:6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Rejoice Always - HOW?

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
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What a way to live your life! But how do you do that? Rejoice means to celebrate, express joy, delight, be glad, and cheer. Always means at all times, constantly, continuously, or all the time. So how do you celebrate constantly? How do you delight all the time? Sometimes (if not most of the time) life just doesn’t seem to be that good at first glance.

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How many times have you seen on TV where they go around the Thanksgiving dinner table and everybody is asked to say what they are thankful for? It seems like a difficult task. Maybe your family has this tradition too. Is it easy to think of something to be thankful for? Find a pen and paper. Quick, list 5 things you are thankful for… Did it take you awhile? Did you feel like you were reaching? Now quick, list 5 things you could complain about… was that a little easier?

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Think harder about the good stuff. Do you have a job? Do you have a home? Do you get enough to eat each day? Are there flowers outside? Do you have someone who loves you? Do you have health insurance? Did Jesus die for your sins? Even when it seems like there is nothing to celebrate there is always something. In fact usually there are always several things!

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Rejoice Always. So how do you delight in these good things? How do you look at the fact that the grass is green and you have a home, and cheer about it; without comparing it to the heartbreak of health problems, a fight with your husband, or your child misbehaving? Pray without ceasing. Rely on Jesus, “our refuge, our strength, and a very present help in time of trouble” (Psalm 46:1). Can the sun still shine even when it is raining? Yes, that’s what makes rainbows! He can help you see the rainbows through the storm. So even though you have problems, the bad stuff doesn’t cancel out the good stuff.

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This isn’t to say that you never have complaints. It is unrealistic to expect us flawed human beings to live our lives always skipping don the road without a care. Instead take your cares to Jesus, and try to always remember to think of something good after you complain about something.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing. Challenge yourself to try to live this way for a few weeks and see how you like it!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Yearning for a Baby

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The urge to mother
To join in love
And create another
Comes from above

God gives us the desire
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And we would pass through fire
To see a baby smile and giggle
And a goodbye finger-wiggle

But what do you do
When you try and try
And your dreams don’t come true
And you just want to cry?

Put your faith in God, without ceasing pray
He is with you every step of the way
As He wipes your tears, He feels your pain
And He will show you flowers that follow the rain

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
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