About Me

My photo
I'm a 29 year old self identifying hippie and amateur photographer. I've been married since Summer 2006, and we started trying to get pregnant the summer of 2007, I have 2 cats and a dog, and I work as a secretary in a prison. This blog is about my battle with infertility and life, love, faith and happiness in the face of infertility. All pictures in the collage and those that I post in my entries were taken by me, unless otherwise stated (or if they are of me of course). Come visit my photography page to see more of my work here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hannah-Love-Chandlers-Photography/282550090053

Saturday, July 28, 2012

The Icing on the Cake: Is it necessary?

Consider how the wild flowers grow, They do not labor nor spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these
Today I was talking to my husband and asking him if he ever got his hopes up that this month will be the one, and then gets lets down when it isn’t. He said it’s happened, but for him it was a matter of not letting it control him. That's where he doesn't understand how it is for me, for two reasons. 1: he is a man, and he really can't understand a woman's urge to mother, and 2: he already has a son, so he will never be childless. I don’t blame him for this, and I don’t think he doesn’t want a baby bad enough or anything like that, but as with most other issues there are gaps from men and women differences.
See more photos and quotes

His theory is basically that our lives are pretty awesome (even though we're broke and we suck and keeping our house clean) because we love each other to death and have a seriously happy marriage. I agree, and I have said that in this blog more than once. Not having a baby doesn't mean our lives suck, a baby may enhance our life but not having one isn't making our lives bad. His analogy is that having a baby would be the icing on the cake, or the ice cream on top of the pie. It's a nice addition but isn't required. I tried to explain to him that that's where we are different. I would never eat a piece of cake without icing. I am super picky and I only eat food that I really like. If it is subpar to my taste buds I don't want it. I am an all or nothing kind of person. I would rather eat no food than bad tasting food: If I burn my grilled cheese sandwich beyond scraping the burnt off, I'm going to throw it away and make another, and if that was the last of the bread or the last of the cheese I just won't have grilled cheese. Again, this doesn’t mean that I think that I will never be happy unless/until I have a baby. It’s like this: if someone asks me what I want for my birthday, I really don’t know, because I don’t let myself want things, so that I won’t be disappointed that I don’t have them. I just hate wondering. I hate hoping that this is the month and being let down. I wish I never even wanted a baby, so that I wouldn’t have this hole in my heart. I pray every day that I can either have a baby, or find peace without one.
Click here for more photos of wildlife

I honestly don’t stress about it as much as it sounds. I’m just having a rough day today. I am happy. I love my husband, our marriage is terrific, I love my dog and my cats, and my job is going great. I love that my husband takes the time to talk to me about this stuff, and that I don’t feel like I need to keep it inside. I like hearing how he sees the world and our lives before a baby.
This is from the winter before last, but we didn't get any snow last winter  

I’m just almost looking forward to a place where we stop trying for good and start preventing. Then I don’t have to wonder. I can finally move on with my life. I have never been one to enjoy not knowing what comes next. I never liked the beginning of relationships where you don’t know if he really likes you or if he is going to call you, I like the married part of relationships where you know you are together forever. Beats dating any day of the week. I know this sounds like a whiny post, but it’s how I’m feeling today, and I don’t apologize for true emotions.

Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
See More of My Photos

1 comment:

  1. IF is a rough road and it's hard not to get your hopes up. I can understand what you're saying that it will be ok when the time comes and you know it's not going to happen. Keep up the good work! Take care!