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I'm a 29 year old self identifying hippie and amateur photographer. I've been married since Summer 2006, and we started trying to get pregnant the summer of 2007, I have 2 cats and a dog, and I work as a secretary in a prison. This blog is about my battle with infertility and life, love, faith and happiness in the face of infertility. All pictures in the collage and those that I post in my entries were taken by me, unless otherwise stated (or if they are of me of course). Come visit my photography page to see more of my work here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hannah-Love-Chandlers-Photography/282550090053

Sunday, September 9, 2012

The Future

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When I try to look to the future I can’t see us in a place other than where the bills are piling up, sex is a chore, and I’ve got baby on the brain. That is not a bright future. Lately I’ve been praying a lot for peace, at least as much for peace as for a baby. I think having a baby is one way to have peace, but I would be happy if I could have peace another way too. I can have peace living my life child free, if I’m not always waiting for the waiting to be over and my life as a mom to begin.

So in my praying and seeking started to feel God nudging me towards a new path. It’s a subtle feeling (I sure wish God would come out and talk to me like He did Sara and Abraham) but subtle it may be, I feel the nudge to step on the TTC (trying to conceive) rollercoaster and start down what I hope will be a peaceful path side by side with God and my husband.

So I sat down with my dear husband to tell him about what I think God is guiding us to do. At this point I think my husband is mostly along for the ride for my sake. It’s not that he doesn’t want to have a baby with me, but he is content to just let it run its course. For him it’s not so much a roller coaster as a plane ride. There might be some turbulence around the way, but it doesn’t ruffle his feathers like it does mine.

His request for our change in plans is that I don’t start preventing right away, which we are in agreement on. I won’t prevent for at least a few months, but I’m afraid I won’t be truly off the roller coaster until chances of my period being late due to pregnancy are nearly nonexistent. To save myself the monthly heartache we may have to stop the whole ride. But I’m willing to give not trying/not preventing another chance (we did it once, got pregnant and then I had an early miscarriage.) we talked about adoption, and I told him I was willing to look at it with an open mind if he wants to do some research. Adoption is never something I’ve been crazy about, but I’m less closed off to it than I used to be.

Does this mean I don’t want a baby? That I won’t be sad anymore? That another person’s baby news will never again rub me the wrong way? Would I turn away someone who wanted me to adopt their baby? Of course not, the rollercoaster just needs to stop. What if this isn’t from God? What if by stopping, or worse, preventing, I am throwing a wrench in God’s plan for my life? I trust that God can get through any barrier I throw in His way; if He decides I’m gonna have a baby. Maybe He will bring a birth mother to me at exactly the right time, and we all know birth control is not 100% effective. And, God may be nudging me to stop only temporarily. Whatever the obstacle, God can overcome it if He wants. But whatever He decides to do or not do, I will trust and praise Him. In the paraphrased words of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, “The God I worship can save me from a life of stress and misery being childless, but even if He doesn’t, I will still praise Him and do the right thing.”

The God we worship can save us from you and your flaming furnace.  But even if he doesn’t, we still won’t worship your gods and the gold statue you have set up.” Daniel 3:17-18

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