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I'm a 29 year old self identifying hippie and amateur photographer. I've been married since Summer 2006, and we started trying to get pregnant the summer of 2007, I have 2 cats and a dog, and I work as a secretary in a prison. This blog is about my battle with infertility and life, love, faith and happiness in the face of infertility. All pictures in the collage and those that I post in my entries were taken by me, unless otherwise stated (or if they are of me of course). Come visit my photography page to see more of my work here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hannah-Love-Chandlers-Photography/282550090053

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Think Again

Think Again
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For some reason I foolishly thought that since God was leading us to stop trying, that I would instantly be at peace and it would be that easy. I forgot that often god doesn’t call you to do something easy. This became very clear to me a week ago at a women’s retreat. As I’ve said, my prayer is for a baby, but especially for peace. One of the services at the retreat started out with asking a few women what their number one request for God is. My mind would tell you (as it did a couple weeks ago) that I know having a baby would achieve peace, in this part of my life, so the end result is my ultimate goal.
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This is all very logical and makes perfect sense. However when I asked myself this question my heart didn’t let my mind get a word in edgewise. I want a baby. A baby would be my one request for God if my heart had anything to do with it. This surprised me, though it really shouldn’t have. All of a sudden I was crying- which of course is not even close to the peace I am seeking. We were asked to turn to our neighbor and share our one request, and then pray for each other’s requests. My neighbor was my mom (who fought infertility for 10 years).  She asked me what my request was (knowing the answer, and knowing we are not currently trying). For a moment my mind and my heart argued. My mind wants peace. My heart doesn’t care so much about peace; it wants to be a mommy. My heart quickly won and through my tears and in a breaking voice I shared my heart-truth with my mom. She cried with me and prayed with me. The rest of the day I prayed and soul searched. It didn’t appear that my decision to stop trying brought me the peace that my head is looking for. In fact I haven’t cried so hard for my infertility problems since my miscarriage.
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So now I’ve realized that while I still believe God is calling us to stop trying, that this is, of course, not a simple one step path to happiness. I’m more committed to staying away from preventative measures than I was, and I am daily praying for peace and also for relief of this yearning. My desired outcome is to be in a place where I can accept God’s path for my life, that I can be content with my life as a wife and a stepmom and an aunt, for as long as my life is such. A place where I will be thrilled if I ever get my chance to be a mom, however that chance might come, but that I will also be thrilled with my life as it is right now.
This was our forgiveness ceremony, we wrote down something on a special piece of paper that we needed forgiveness for, and then dissolved that paper in some water, and then threw white rose petals in the river. It was beautiful.

This means daily prayer for that mindset. I don’t know why I thought we could just decide to stop trying, make it official by putting it in the blog, and then I would have peace. This is a process. I do know that my emotions cannot be allowed to control my life. Decisions are not to be made based on how you feel during any given fleeting moment. This doesn’t mean my emotions are wrong, never to be trusted, or my feelings aren’t valid, just that when I have a heart moment that says “I want to be mom, who cares about peace” that I have to remember that the heart is fickle, and a not super smart. Do I always feel head over heels in love with my husband? I wish! It’d be awesome if I did, but no married couple feels in love every moment of every day. You choose to love your spouse with the logic side of you, even when your heart wants you to storm off during an argument and never come back. Your mind tells you to love and support your husband even when he is farting and making a mess.
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So is this decision to stop trying going to make my life easy and fun? Not right away, but I’m praying daily for the peace that I know God wants to give me. Please pray with us as we continue down this path that I just realized isn’t as smooth and beautiful as I expected, but which I still believe is the path that God is leading us to take. 
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1 comment:

  1. Hannah,
    I understand the place you are at so.very.well. I've walked this road and tasted these tears and felt God's calling to follow.

    I recently published an ebook about this very journey. If you want to drop me an email, I would love to gift you an e-copy. (natashametzler at gmail dot com)