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I'm a 29 year old self identifying hippie and amateur photographer. I've been married since Summer 2006, and we started trying to get pregnant the summer of 2007, I have 2 cats and a dog, and I work as a secretary in a prison. This blog is about my battle with infertility and life, love, faith and happiness in the face of infertility. All pictures in the collage and those that I post in my entries were taken by me, unless otherwise stated (or if they are of me of course). Come visit my photography page to see more of my work here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hannah-Love-Chandlers-Photography/282550090053

Sunday, October 30, 2011


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So it’s Halloween. A time when adorable little kids dressed up in delightful outfits come to your door and show you how cute they are and remind you how much fun it would be to do this with your own babies. For me I think Halloween is not as hard as it is for others, because I have never really celebrated Halloween. Growing up we weren’t allowed to go trick or treating because my mom is anti-Halloween, so we usually went out bowling or did something else as a family so that we weren’t home during  trick or treating either. Sometimes we dressed up and went to costumed church events, but mostly it was something that had nothing to do with Halloween. We still got to get candy, if whatever we did didn’t include candy we always got some candy the next day that they bought half off (which I am all for, why pay full price for something one day when you can get it half off the next day, it doesn’t hurt anybody to wait one day).
The first year that we were allowed to go trick or treating I was 15. I guess my mom finally broke down and decided she would let us go (though I don’t think I was the one asking anymore). I dressed up as a gyspy or something and went trick or treating with my boyfriend through his neighborhood. At 15 I was thinking I was too old for this, and I never went again.

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When I first moved out on my own and had my own apartment I considered buying some candy to pass out to little kids, but I wasn’t sure I’d get any kids at my apartment building. The following year I was living at Ben’s house, which was in a very big, very populated trailer park. At this point I figured we would get plenty of people, but I decided not to pass out candy because I realized that a lot of older teens would be trick or treating too, which I don’t understand, because I was too old for it when I was 15. Had I ever gone again it would have  been solely for the free candy. And at barely over 19 years old, I didn’t feel like using my money to buy candy for a bunch of rotten teenagers only a couple years younger than me. Unfortunately when you hand out candy you don’t really get to pick and choose who to give candy to. That’s just asking for eggs to be thrown in your face. In 6 years my opinion hasn’t changed. I have never once handed out candy because I don’t want any part of indulging the rotten 16 and 17 years olds who think I should give them free stuff for putting on a cape or dressing like a whore.                                        

About 3 years ago at a flea market I bought this adorable little dragon costume. It was really cheap and so cute, I figured I could let my sister use it for my niece and then really soon I would have my own baby that could wear it. It was white with a purple belly and these shimmery purple little wings. The bottom was kind of scrunchy, so it stretched open and the little feet could poke out or not, and it would work for a tiny baby or for a toddler who was walking. The bottom of it was filled out so it looked like a little fat dragon with tiny wings. So cute. At that time I thought a baby was still in our future, so I bought it for us, with the intention just to loan it to my sister.

But Halloween keeps coming and going with no baby, so my sister got two uses out of it and with another on the way should be able to use it for two more years. This year my niece is going as a frog. My other niece who lives in Texas never got to use the dragon costume. She is still young enough to be able to wear it but she has both a bear costume and a skunk costume that either mommy or daddy or grandma bought her, so she doesn’t need mine.

Probably the hardest part about Halloween, other than not being able to dress up my own kids and show them off around the neighborhood is that Halloween is like the beginning of the holiday season. Christmas is coming up so soon, and one more year is coming where I will be decorating the house and putting up a tree and setting up my Christmas village and my talking Christmas tree, and there are no children around to captivate with the magic of Christmas. 

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