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So my husband brought up the topic of foster care the other day. We were talking about the need for me to go back to the fertility clinic and our plans to get all the tests done to find out our chances of getting pregnant naturally, and the fact that it could come back that the chance of getting pregnant naturally is very, very low. I think I could handle that. I wouldn’t like it, but being able to know something definite would allow us to start accepting it and getting on with our lives. And I’m to a point now where I just want some answers, good or bad.
I don’t think I would like doing foster care. I wouldn’t be able to handle having to send the kids back to their parents that they were taken away from. Even if the kids weren’t going back to their parents a lot of times they go to grandparents or somebody, who we can’t really know are much better than the parents. Even being sure that kids were going back to an awesome home that is terrific for them would be so hard. I want a baby that I can love. Any child I bring into my house would be loved and cared for, and bringing a baby into my house and falling in love with her, and then giving her away to parents or grandparents or somebody else would hurt too much.
My husband is not ready to give up his dream of having a baby with me, and he feels that that dream can be realized to some degree with foster care. I don’t want to give up either, but I’m so tired of trying and caring and hoping and hurting. Counting days and reading so much into each sign and symptom at the end of my month is getting old. I don’t think it should be this much work to have a baby, and I don’t think that foster care would realize that dream.
I just feel like it’s time to start my life. It’s time just to have a baby and start my life as a mother, or not have one and start my life as a childfree woman. Foster children would feel like another holding pattern, constantly waiting for the day when they have to leave.
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I told him it’s something we can discuss again after we get some answers from the doctor. I may feel completely different about foster care if I find out I can’t have a baby naturally. But right now while fertility hope is still hanging around I don’t think it is something that’s right for me.