About Me

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I'm a 29 year old self identifying hippie and amateur photographer. I've been married since Summer 2006, and we started trying to get pregnant the summer of 2007, I have 2 cats and a dog, and I work as a secretary in a prison. This blog is about my battle with infertility and life, love, faith and happiness in the face of infertility. All pictures in the collage and those that I post in my entries were taken by me, unless otherwise stated (or if they are of me of course). Come visit my photography page to see more of my work here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Hannah-Love-Chandlers-Photography/282550090053

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Being Rebellious

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I hate being told what to do. I don’t mind working and having a boss and being told what to do for payment. That’s why they pay you, because you do what they tell you to do. What I don’t like is telling myself what to do, or trying to do something that I HAVE to do when nobody is making me. I’m no good at dieting or exercise. Telling myself I can’t have something bad for me or I have to eat carrots today (instead of chips), or I have to walk around the block today is very difficult to get myself to actually do it (or not do it). I rebel against being told what to do. Like any self respecting 4 year old if you tell me I can’t have ice cream because it’s before dinner I only want it that much more!

The problem that arises from this odd rebelliousness is when trying to make a baby you HAVE to have sex every day or every other day for about 4 or 5 days around your fertile time. Without fail, every time that it’s the baby making time of the month I am less in the mood than any other time of the month. I DON’T WANNA and I have a heck of a time getting in the mood for the baby making process.

I’m wondering if part of the reasoning behind all this negativity is a defense mechanism. If I don’t do the baby-dance when I’m fertile [not that I'm sure I ever ovulate], then I can’t be surprised and depressed by my period showing up. Not that that works. Even when I don’t think I could be pregnant, if my period is late I still get hopeful. And besides, the one month I got pregnant it could have happened only on day 11 or day 19, which means that I ovulated either early or late that month, so even when I don’t have sex during days 12-16 it could still happen. As a defense mechanism it is pretty pathetic. I don’t know what to do about this or how to change my patterns and get in the mood for this process.

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