April Photo a Day - 5 Tiny

Day 5 - Tiny

So yesterday I drove three hours to go to my mom's so I can see my niece this weekend, which meant I was too tired to do yesterday's photo. I'm glad I waited because while I was taking a walk with my mom and my 3 year old niece I found these tiny little flowers on a tree. I tried to get my niece to hold a tiny flower in her tiny hand, but she didn't want to sit still long enough for me to get a good one. So in the picture I'm holding the flower in my fingers. You can see how small the flower is compared to my nails. I love taking pictures of flowers. Even the tiny ones are beautiful, and it shows how much care God put into every tiny detail of our world. How is it that we can feel like God doesn't even care or notice us with all this proof looking us in the face.

April Photo a Day - Days 3 and 4

Day 3 - Mail

So yesterday was mail. I couldn't figure out how to get a picture that went with the category but was also creative and not just a picture of an envelope, so I decided to put a stamp on a rubber ducky and take a picture of that. Then I decided to put the duck in a mailbox and take a picture of it, but by the time I realized that would be better it was too dark outside to do the photo. Instead of doing a lesser picture and getting it in on the day it was needed I decided to put it off until today. So today I have day 3 picture of mail, as a rubber ducky with a stamp in a mailbox. I love rubber duckies. They are so cute. This one I saw at Walmart the other day and I looked at it and put it back. My husband told me I should get it if I like it, and I said I liked it but I didn't need it and continued on shopping. My husband decided to go back and get it, and put it in the cart. I love him <3. I decided though to give it to my niece for Easter, since I get to see her this weekend for and I bought her this adorable unicorn Easter basket.

Day 4 - Someone who makes you smile

Day 4 is Someone who makes you happy. I was going to use one of my old photos of my husband and my dog, but my husband decided to hijack my hammock tonight and I thought it would be a great photo op to get my darling husband faking sleep for the camera in my hammock. Now since I have completed today's and yesterday's photo challenge my plan is to go outside, kick him out of my comfy spot and settle in for an hour of relaxation.

April Photo a Day - 2 - Color

This is my day 2 of April's Photo a Day Challenge. Color! If this doesn't say color I don't know what does. My life says color too. I prefer a pink shirt over a black one, multi colored nails over plain red ones, rainbow hammock over a plain white rope one! I'm so happy when Spring comes along because the trees and the grass and the hills, everything is so green and beautiful. Bright colors and pretty things make me happy, and I thank God all the time for the beauty of this world. That is the whole reason I got into photography. I love trying capture the beautiful world that God gave us, though my pictures never do the natural world justice. I just think it's amazing how much of an artist God is, and he does so much with the world and most of us barely even notice it. Thank you Lord for the world you have given us. 

April Photo a Day - 1

Day One - Your Reflection

I'm doing the April Photo a Day Challenge. Today's picture topic was your reflection, so I took a picture of my nails in an old handheld mirror my grandma gave me. I tried taking one of my face. I don't like taking pictures of myself. They never seem to turn out, I think I smile weird, and I hate the camera showing up in the picture. So I tried to get creative. I love my wild nails, and often take pictures of them so I figured I could easily do a reflection of my hand in a mirror, and then I could avoid all that stuff I hate. I had to take several before I could get one that was okay, but that's what makes this a challenge. If it was all easy stuff it wouldn't be called a challenge.

I love my nails. Doing my nails is my one way to pamper myself. It is also a way for me to let a little bit of my personality out, since I can't work a professional job and have purple hair, nor can I afford to get tattoos all the time, even ones that I can have and still have my job, like the five I already have that stay well hidden.

I love photography and I'm looking forward to trying to complete this challenge!

Tomorrow: Color! Yay!

Dreaming for My Child - And Enjoying My Nieces

I dream about the day that Ben and I can take our toddler to the zoo, or to the park to swing on the swings and go down the slide. I long for the feedings, the smiles and those tiny fingers to grab mine. The other day we were at Walmart looking at all the Easter Baskets, and it started us talking about the kinds of things we would put in our child’s Easter Basket. 

But while I dream, I make sure to enjoy the reality, which is my adorable nieces, who I love so much. This weekend I got to see 2 of them, and briefly video chatted with another. It made for a great weekend. We went to the Chattanooga Zoo with the Layla, watched Winnie the Pooh, danced and shared dinner. I gave a bottle to Storie and got some great shots of that two month old lighting up the room with her smile, and the 3 year old discovering the world around her and emanating innocence.

While I will always have that hope that one day it will be Ben and I our kids, I strive not to let that shadow of longing block out the sun that is my current family. If you don’t take the time to enjoy what you have, you will never be happy because there will always be something that you wish for. When I think about my nieces it brings a smile to my face, and when I know I’m going to get to spend time with them I can hardly wait to get through my week.

“Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn’t stop to enjoy it”

          -William Feather

Miscarriage: Handling it for you or a friend

Miscarriages can be a touchy subject. Infertility is defined as being unable to get pregnant or carry a baby to term successfully, and some people have multiple miscarriages. Somehow they keep on going, which I don’t think I would be able to do. I have only had one and it was very early (5 weeks), but it was still terrible and I don’t know if I could handle more than one more miscarriage. It was horrible seeing all of our dreams realized with that home pregnancy test that said pregnant, and then a week later seeing our dreams literally (sorry if it’s TMI) flushed down the toilet.

There isn’t much you can say to someone who is going through a miscarriage. Even if you have been through it there isn’t much you can say to make someone feel better. The most you can do is just try to be there for someone hurting from a miscarriage like you would for someone hurting from anything else. Let your friend know that you want to be able to help in any way possible. That you are here to listen to them vent, to be a shoulder to cry on, or to offer support in any other way.

For those of you going through or having gone through a miscarriage, know that your friends probably don’t know what the best thing is to say or do, and that when someone says something that upsets you they most likely meant well. Also for early miscarriages: don’t let anyone tell you it wasn’t a real baby. Doctors may call it a chemical pregnancy, and if it helps you, great; but that didn’t make me feel any better. Don’t let anybody try to trivialize your pain by trying to make less of the pregnancy than it was.

I think I live in fear of having another miscarriage. I try not to think about it, but I am so worried I will have another one that if I am ever late for my period I rush to take a home test and get a blood test because I want to find out right away if there is anything I can do to make sure this one sticks. This is probably one of the reasons why I have put off actively trying for so long. We still haven’t been back to the doctor.

Husband of the Year

Ben and Niece Layla

I am so lucky to have my husband. He loves me so much and makes me laugh all the time. He also takes care of me when I need it, like when I am sick or hurt he waits on me hand and foot. I do the same for him, and he revels in it, but that’s why he returns the favor when I am benched on the couch, even though he has to force it on me.

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Last weekend I hurt my back so bad that on Saturday I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without debilitating pain. I couldn’t sleep Saturday night because there was only one position that I was remotely comfortable in, and it was not one that I could sleep in. I took a second bath Saturday night (really Sunday morning) and that helped me enough that I could finally lie down without wanting to cry. I laid down at the same time my husband was getting up for work, and he gave me a quick massage with some Tiger Balm for sore muscles. Finally I was in little enough pain that I could fall asleep. I only slept from 5-9:30, but that was better than nothing. I spent the rest of the morning in bed, getting up frequently, but only to go to the bathroom and get back in bed. I finally moved to the couch where I could get in a more comfortable position (I didn’t go earlier because it was warmer in the bedroom than the living room).

Ben after getting a hole in 1 at Glow Golf

The worst part of this – if you don’t count the crippling pain – is the fact that I’m only 26 but my back was making me feel like I was about 80. Ben wouldn’t let me get up to do anything for myself, which was hard for me because I don’t like to sit still, and I don’t want to dump all the work on him. Because he isn’t used to doing all the work and because he is forgetful I had to remind him about doing laundry and then about putting the clothes in the dryer. I got into this mess because I was cleaning. Saturday morning I cleaned the living room and I was sitting on the floor and when I stood up something happened to my back.

Ben at Disneyworld driving the Cart with no hands

It took a lot of rest and plenty of massages and Tiger Balm to get me to where I knew I could work on Monday, and if it weren’t for my awesome husband I would not have had such a swift recovery. He continued to massage me and let me rest by cooking dinner half the week, until by Thursday and Friday the only pain I had was first thing in the morning up until I got to my office, and then my muscles relaxed enough that I could spend the rest of my day not even thinking about my back.

At Disneyworld with my Nephew 
(who didn't want his pic taken)

Bottom line is that I am very lucky to have a man that loves me enough to rub me down with stinky Tiger Balm three times a day, cook dinner and do laundry and wait on me hand and foot so that I can get better. He didn’t even try for sex all week because he knew I was hurting.

PS: I also have to add - he just told me that he found the papers I had written my blog about abortion on and he started in the middle. The part he started on was the part about owning up to your mistakes (that was the top of one page). He said he freaked out because he thought this was like a Dear John letter or something. Gave me a good laugh. 

Pro-Life Discussions

Storie Kae - Click her to see more photos

Last night I saw a disturbing photo and story on Facebook. It wasn’t the picture that bothered me as much as the story that went along with it. The picture, hopefully without going into too much detail was of a baby that had been aborted later in the pregnancy, around 6 months if the accompanying story is to be believed. The story was a first person dialog of the baby saying something to mommy each month. It would say I am so many months old, and include a fact about the baby’s growth, and then baby says how much he loves mommy. Each month there would be more first person dialog with another fact and more of baby talking to mommy. It goes up to 6 months, and talks about how mommy went to the doctor and the doctor “told you I’m not a baby”, and ended with the baby being in heaven and asking mommy why didn’t you want me?

Layla Skye

This doesn’t offend me because I am pro-choice, because I’m 100% pro-life. this doesn’t offend me because I think the picture is too graphic, because I think that if we as a society think that it is acceptable to do this to babies, we as a society should be able to stomach the pictures. This offends me because it is intentionally inflammatory and excessively plays on the emotions and the point seems to be to hurt mothers who have had or ever thought of having an abortion.

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As a pro-lifer I believe that there is no legitimate reason to have an abortion. I don’t agree with abortion because of rape or incest, or a high number of multiples from fertility treatment, or because the doctors say he is going to have a disability or won’t live past a year (or two months or a week). The only reason I can see being a real reason is if the mother is legitimately in life threatening danger from the pregnancy.

Layla Skye

My battle with infertility is not what drove me to this belief. I have always been pro-life, and would choose this topic sometimes for persuasive papers, and would argue my point with anybody who wanted to argue with me. The truth is that you can always give a baby up for adoption. I know that carrying that baby for nine months can make it hard to give it up, but the majority of the time it was your choice to have sex and take the chance (and 100% of the time it is not the baby’s fault). Therefore people should own up to their mistakes and be responsible enough to do the right thing, even if it’s not the easy thing. My battle with infertility certainly has an effect on how I feel now, but my pro-life inclinations have not changed.

Storie Kae - Click here to see more of my photos

However, this story is over the top. While I believe that a baby is a real person from the moment of conception, I don’t believe that a baby has the cognitive ability to think formed thoughts and love and feel rejected. Also, without getting into a theological debate, I, as a Seventh Day Adventist, believe that when we die we do not go straight to heaven but instead stay ‘sleeping’ until the second coming of Christ. So I also don’t believe that aborted babies, nor miscarried babies are in heaven, but I do believe we will meet them in heaven. Bottom line this story meant to play on the emotions of women is inappropriate and is nearly as detrimental to the pro-life cause as protestors who tightrope on the line between peaceful protesting and criminal behavior, and those who ignore it completely.

Gabrielle Sarah

The fact is that late term abortions are very rare, and I’m not even sure how legal they are. And a baby, aborted at any stage, is not thinking “Why Mommy?” This doesn’t make abortion any more right in my mind, but it’s misguided to act as though every abortion is a late abortion and that the babies are aware of what is happening and thinking “How could Mommy do this to me? I love her so much.”

Layla Skye

This was not my attempt to start a debate, neither to offend any pro-choicers nor any pro-lifers who think this tactic is necessary and acceptable. Everybody has to decide for themselves what is right, and then do it, because everybody has to answer to God, not to each other. This is just one of the things I feel strongly about, and had to get off my chest. 

Storie Kae - See more of my photos

Faith Issues

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Let me begin this post by saying that this is not my best written blog, and I don't think it flows just right, but I am trying to be brutally honest about my relationship with God and it is ridiculously hard because I don't know if I entirely understand it myself. 

I am a Christian. I believe in God, and I know that God is good, wants good for us, and I try to live my life the way He wants me to. But I have a faith problem. I have such a hard time reconciling my faith with my infertility. It’s like a paradox. I believe in God, that He is good and that He wants the best for us, but then I want a baby so bad and I have suffered so much heart ache due to infertility. I have never been able to find lasting peace because I can’t even get a good, sure answer that I cannot have a baby, so that little hope keeps flaring up and bringing the pain back to the surface, and I can never fully get over it.

When I was on my way to the hospital to see my niece’s birth I had another crisis of faith. I was driving along and her contractions advanced so quickly that while I was praying so hard that she would wait until I got there they called to tell me that she was going to the hospital. At that point I started going back and forth between praying that I would make it and fighting with God, certain that I was going to miss it. I was so angry with God, asking him how it is that I can want something so bad, and pray for it so hard, like being able to see my niece be born, and then still miss it. I have an easier time accepting my infertility, because there have been a few times when getting pregnant would not have been best, like when we found the tumor on my spine in my neck and I needed all sorts of tests (x-rays and MRI’s and others) to see whether or not is was cancerous.

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Therefore, sometimes I can accept that God knows best (though intellectually I know He does, emotionally sometimes I don’t understand). Sometimes I think that He knows some good reason why now is not a good time, and why it might never be right for us, but I could not come up with one possible explanation of why I should not be at the birth of my niece, when I wanted it so much. Again, intellectually I know that God wants the best for me and that if God decided I shouldn’t be there than there apparently is a good reason I should miss it, but emotionally I have a harder time with that. It’s like I’m a child. A child knows mommy loves her, but doesn’t always understand when mommy says that she can’t go play at her friend’s house right now.

So I’m fluctuating back and forth between continuing to pray to make it in time, and arguing with God because I was sure I was going to be too late. When I was about 20 minutes away I called and my mom told me that they thought that she was still going to be a long time. The hospital thought that her contractions were being brought on by dehydration, and were having her drink water. Of course at this point I changed my tune again. I was contrite; I started praying about how I knew I was wrong to have doubts like I was having. I felt like I had a good heart to heart with God on that trip over, and it made me start thinking about these issues.

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When I was in high school I was so close to God. I read my bible all the time, I loved reading it! I prayed constantly, I felt God’s presence in my life on a regular basis, and felt loved by Him. I was comforted by praying when I was fighting with my dad, and I broke up with my boyfriend because I realized (eventually) that God didn’t want me to be with him.

After high school it was like a switch was thrown. I stopped being able to feel God. I read once I think in the bible about a man who God withdrew from in a way that He could not be felt, and that it was a test of that man’s faith to continue to have faith even when one could not feel God. It was much easier to have faith in God when I could feel Him there all the time. It is a whole different story now that I don’t feel like He is there.

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